DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband had the cheek to tell me that his mistress reminded him of me – the me from 30 years ago.
I am 58 and my husband is 59. We have been together for 32 years.
We were very much in love and led a carefree existence back then.
We went on to have two, now grown-up children and I always thought we were happy together.
My husband landed a fantastic job five years ago that often takes him to Dubai.
I had no idea anything was wrong until I noticed suspicious transactions on his credit card bill. One was for a spa session, others were for jewellery, champagne and lingerie.
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He hasn’t bothered buying me gifts for ages, so they clearly weren’t meant for me.
I had a sick feeling in my stomach that something was going on.
When I confronted him, he admitted that he had been having sex with a much younger colleague but promised me it had finished.
I don’t know why he told me this woman, who is in her 30s, reminded him of me all those years ago.
Perhaps he thought it was a kind of justification but it devastated me.
His comment has made me feel older than ever, and less attractive than when we met — and now I can’t stop thinking about this woman.
He is due to travel to Dubai again soon for a couple of weeks, and I am wondering whether I should accompany him. I am becoming increasingly anxious about this trip.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps his comment was a misguided attempt to reassure you. Understandably it may have had the opposite effect, underlining that you are decades older than when you met.
It’s no wonder your trust in your husband has been destroyed.
You need to be certain that this affair is over, and your anxiety is a sign that all is not well in your relationship.
Talk to him and explain what you want and need from him.
Ask him to be honest with you but don’t dwell on this woman’s age.
You may be older but so is he. And with age comes plenty of other benefits, so try to focus on those.
He must be prepared to work hard to convince you he loves you, and only you.
While you can’t be with him 24/7, could you go out and stay with him for a break at the end of his next trip?
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
