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Dear For Love & Money,
I recently lost my job. I had long-standing differences with my boss that came to a boiling point, and I got fired.
My husband is upset with me because he feels I should have had a higher tolerance for my ex-boss's toxic behavior in order to protect our family's financial security. I find this frustrating because my husband makes enough to pay our bills, and my income has always gone toward our quality of life.
Our kids won't starve just because I'm between jobs right now. I am already searching for a new position, and I am sure I will find one soon, but in the meantime, I don't think it's fair that my husband resents me for getting out of a bad situation. How do I convince him I did the right thing by standing up for myself?
Sincerely,
I'd Do It Again
Dear I'd Do It Again,
You asked me how to "convince" your husband that you did the right thing, but I'm not sure that will be the most effective or honest strategy for helping your family through this challenging season.
First, I suggest you handle the practical side of your job loss. Tie up any loose ends with your previous employers so that you can collect your final check and receive any severance you have coming your way. File for unemployment, and go over your family's budget, making adjustments that reflect your loss of income. Have a plan for whether you'll move your 401(k) to your new employer's plan or if you instead want to put the money in a rollover IRA.
Look into your family's health insurance options. Maybe you all are covered by your husband's employer already, but if not, check into what options make the most sense for your family now. You might look into COBRA until you get a new job or move your family onto your husband's insurance. You can see if you qualify for special enrollment in the marketplace, or you might even look into a combination of direct primary care membership and critical illness insurance.
These administrative tasks are imperative to your family's security, but tackling them with energy and alacrity will have the added benefit of showing your husband that you are aware of your responsibility and care deeply about it. You will also model for your husband what he seems to be missing, which is — what's done is done. There's nothing to be gained from anger and recriminations. It's time to solve the crisis, not yell about it.
But make no mistake — at least to your husband, it is a crisis. If it's a crisis for him, it's a crisis for you both. Losing a stream of income is always terrifying. While your husband may cover your bills, you said yourself that your check has always covered your quality of life.
A sudden lifestyle descent is jarring, and the changes you must make will likely make everyone in your family feel insecure at first. The small practices we use to hold our families together, such as youth sports, family vacations, and pizza nights, are typically the first to go when things are tight. Ripping these away can make it seem like everything is falling apart.
Your husband will feel this the most. The financial weight of a family is heavy. Up until recently, that weight was carried by two working adults. But with you out of the workforce, your family's livelihood depends on him. A layer of security has been removed, and now he probably worries that he's one job loss away from losing everything. As maddening as it may feel to see your husband react so poorly to something that primarily happened to you, remember that this affected him as well.
This isn't to say you did the wrong thing by standing up for yourself at the cost of your job. I hope you honor your emotional process here as well as your husband's. Even when you hate your boss, there's a grief that accompanies the rejection of getting fired. It's so easy to go over and over what you could have done, how it should have gone, and all the people who misunderstood and betrayed you along the way.
Painting over vulnerable emotions like hurt and grief with a thick coat of anger can often feel easier than sitting with the ache of it. Investigate what might be going on underneath your defense mechanisms. You may find they are the real reason you want to "convince" your husband that you did the right thing.
Imagine achieving that goal. In this version of events, your husband wouldn't make you feel ashamed for taking care of yourself. Your husband would support and believe you when you told him how unbearable your work situation had become. Your husband would be less concerned with bank accounts and more about helping you through this.
While convincing him shouldn't be your goal, there must be a reckoning over both of your emotional experiences. I know that he has been unpleasantly honest about how angry he feels that you couldn't just suck it up and play ball to stay gainfully employed, but just behind that anger likely sits his own sense of betrayal and abandonment.
There is a shared value there, even if it doesn't look like it at first glance. You both expect loyalty and have failed the other in this, even if it was justified. Even if you'd do it again. Have an honest conversation about how you feel. Encourage your husband to do the same. Then, apologize and forgive.
Finding a new job will fix your finances, but we define ourselves in crisis, and how you and your husband face this moment will become an essential part of your story. Will you come together or fall apart? Because you'll never forget who stood by you when you needed them the most, and neither will he.
Rooting for you both,
For Love & Money
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