DEAR ABBY: I’ve been seeing a man, “Barry,” who worked with my younger brother. They had an altercation at work, and Barry was terminated for misconduct.
My brother, “Rob,” is upset with me because I still see him.
Barry did reach out to Rob to apologize and see if they could move on. While my brother has forgiven Barry, he has chosen to have no contact with him, and continues to want to control the narrative.
Am I wrong for going against my brother and continuing the relationship? I was in prior abusive relationships that Rob wasn’t concerned about. But when it is about him, he lets me know he’s “disappointed” or worried about my well-being.
I have set boundaries with them both. That altercation was between them, not with me.
— TORN IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR TORN: The altercation between your brother and Barry must have been a doozy for him to have lost his job.
You mentioned that you have been in “prior abusive relationships,” which tells me your man-picker may be somewhat skewed. Barry may have anger management issues that need to be addressed.
Like it or not, your brother is right that Barry could be dangerous. The altercation may have been between them, but what’s to prevent your boyfriend’s volatile temper from erupting on you? Your relationship with Barry could be hazardous to your health, which is why I am urging you to move on and find someone more stable.
DEAR ABBY: I’m in a loving relationship with my wife, who is 10 years older than me.
Last year, we talked it over and she decided to retire. She’s 63 and had worked her whole life.
We weren’t 100% prepared financially for the change, but I’m happy to see her happy, enjoying time with the grandkids and doing other things.
Here’s the rub: She gets bored sometimes. When she gets bored, she spends money and arranges things for us to do that I dislike — like going camping. I still work full time, and I enjoy my weekends at home relaxing.
I think it’d be helpful for her to find a part-time job. I have suggested it, but then she gets hostile and asks if I think she’s wasting her time. It becomes an uncomfortable conversation.
Any suggestions about what I can say so I won’t tick her off while helping her realize she could find something else to keep her busy and contribute financially?
— TRYING TO KEEP UP IN ARIZONA
DEAR TRYING: Tell your wife you are happy she is enjoying her retirement, but you are still fully employed. Then remind her that when she decided to leave the workforce, you weren’t fully prepared for it financially.
Explain that for the time being, you need the weekends to rest, not to go camping, which is one of your least favorite things to do.
And while you’re at it, mention that you know she enjoys shopping, and a part-time job would give her more discretionary money to do it.
I don’t think that any of those statements should be inflammatory.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
