Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Has Dropped Out of [POLITICAL RACE HE HAS NO SHOT AT WINNING] and Will Endorse [ANOTHER POLITICAL MADMAN], with Reports Stating He’s Seeking a Position in [ARM OF GOVERNMENT HE KNOWS LESS THAN NOTHING ABOUT]
Reports Surfaced That RFK Jr. Decapitated a [LARGE MAMMAL] Using a [HORROR MOVIE PROP BUT REAL] and Drove Around with Its [BODY PART] for [LENGTH OF TIME YOU DON’T WANT TO BE DRIVING EVEN WITH BREATHING ORGANISMS]
RFK Jr. Defends Photo of Him with Dead, Burnt [INNOCENT ANIMAL SOME PEOPLE KEEP AS PETS] Saying It Was Really a [DIFFERENT INNOCENT ANIMAL SOME PEOPLE KEEP AS PETS]
RFK Jr. Denies Existence of [VERY REAL EPIDEMIC THAT KILLED MILLIONS OF VERY REAL PEOPLE]
RFK Jr., Ahead of Story Released by [PUBLISHER THAT SOMEHOW STILL RETAINS A PRINT ARM], Releases Video with [CANCELED RIGHT-WING STAR] Explaining Why He [VERB IN THE PAST TENSE THAT INVOKES HORROR AND DISGUST] a Dead [LOVABLE ANIMAL KRISTI NOEM MIGHT SHOOT] at [FAMOUS LANDMARK]
RFK Jr. States Head of [POWERFUL GOVERNMENT AGENCY] Secretly Works for [MEDIA NONPROFIT], Adding [WHATEVER STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS COMES TO MIND]
RFK Jr. Believes [ LIFE-SAVING VACCINE] Causes [PICK A SCARY ILLNESS, GENETIC DISORDER OR JUST WRITE “DEATH”]
RFK Jr. Asserts [ESSENTIAL FDA-APPROVED MEDICATION] Causes [CRISIS UNIQUE TO AMERICA THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FDA-APPROVED MEDICATION]
RFK Jr., Speaking at a Rally for [POLITICAL PARTY THAT HAS ZERO SHOT AT WINNING] Reverses Stance on [REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT ISSUE THAT NO ONE ASKED HIM ABOUT], Saying, “[JUST ADD SOME CRAZY SHIT—MAYBE LYRICS FROM A NINE INCH NAILS SONG?]”
RFK Jr. Equates Struggle of [ICONIC VICTIM OF ATROCITY] to [GROUP OF MORONS]
At [EVENT THAT ONLY INVITES PEOPLE LIKE KENNEDYS] RFK Jr. Told Guests [CONTAGIOUS VIRUS] Spares [PEOPLE OF MAJOR RELIGION] and [ETHNICITY YOUR UNCLE IRRATIONALLY FEARS] but Targets [RANDOM ETHNICITY—LIKE THE FIRST ONE THAT COMES TO MIND—IT HONESTLY DOESN’T MATTER]
RFK Jr. Announced Today [RIGHT-WING WORD SALAD, BUT MAKE IT LIKE TEN TIMES MORE BONKERS THAN QANON]
RFK Jr. Claims [CREEPY-CRAWLY ORGANISM] Has [PAST-TENSE VERB THAT IS USUALLY TOTALLY NORMAL BUT IN AN RFK CONTEXT IS SOMEHOW CHILLING] a Portion of His [VITAL ORGAN], Which May Explain [SELECT RANDOM ANECDOTE FROM ABOVE]
[PROMINENT LUNATIC THAT ALSO SHOULDN’T HAVE A PLATFORM] Invites RFK Jr. as Guest on [PLATFORM THAT MAKES YOU RETHINK FREE SPEECH]
