DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister’s fiance recently broke off their engagement, and she is absolutely devastated.
They had been together for five years, and their relationship seemed solid. They had been planning their wedding for the past year, with invitations sent out, deposits paid and countless hours spent preparing for what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of their lives.
However, out of the blue, her fiance told her that he couldn’t go through with it. He said he didn’t want to feel tied down to someone for the rest of his life and that he needed to be free to pursue his own interests and ambitions without feeling the constraints of a lifelong commitment.
My sister feels betrayed, rejected and deeply hurt.
Not only is she dealing with the pain of losing someone she loves, but she is also facing the embarrassment and logistical nightmare of calling off a wedding. She has had to inform friends and family, cancel vendors and try to recover deposits where possible, all while managing her grief.
As her sibling, I want to support her in any way I can, but I’m not sure what the best approach is. How can I help my sister through this difficult time?
— Jilted Sister
DEAR JILTED SISTER: Be present for your sister without asking too many questions. Offer to help tie up some of the logistical details. Help her develop a statement to tell others if she needs that.
Spend time with her. Be a good listener without passing judgment. Allow her to vent, cry, scream — whatever comes up. Be her safe space during this tender period.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother and I, along with our families, live in different cities, so we don’t get to see each other often.
Despite the distance, we maintain a close relationship and try to stay in touch regularly through phone calls and texts. We also make an effort to visit each other a few times a year so our children can spend time with their cousins.
Recently, my daughters and I went to our local zoo. To our surprise, while we were there, we unexpectedly ran into my brother, his wife and their children. They were in town for what appeared to be a family trip, and I had no idea that they were visiting.
I was stunned and felt an immediate rush of emotions, mostly hurt and disappointment. It felt like a deliberate exclusion, and I couldn’t understand why he would choose not to inform me about their visit.
How should I address this situation with my brother? Is it unreasonable for me to feel hurt and disappointed, or am I overreacting?
— Snubbed
DEAR SNUBBED: It is perfectly understandable that you would have expected your brother to let you know that he was coming to town. It is odd that he didn’t mention it.
Follow up with him and ask him directly why he didn’t reach out to you. Tell him how stunned you were to see him and his family at the zoo. While he has every right to do whatever he pleases, you don’t understand why he would not have contacted you.
Ask him if there’s something going on between you of which you are unaware. Tell him you want to understand, as seeing them hurt your feelings deeply.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
