My sister kept it a secret until he was born.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew was recently born, and he is the most precious child. I was so happy for my sister because this is her first child as well as our parents’ first grandchild.
She kept his gender and name a secret from the family until he was born. She gave him the name I had been saying I would give to my son if I ever had one.
I am 32 years old and single, but I still want to have children one day. I feel hurt and betrayed that she used the name I had always dreamed of for my future child without discussing it with me.
I don’t want to make a big deal out of it and overshadow her joy, but I’m struggling to deal with these feelings. I also don’t want this to create any tension between us or within the family.
Should I talk to my sister about how I feel, or should I just let it go and focus on celebrating my new nephew?
— What’s In a Name
DEAR WHAT’S IN A NAME: When I was just a child, I reserved my grandmother’s name for my future daughter. My sister had children before me and, as her daughter was being born, she had a vision of our grandmother. She added that name to the one she had already picked out for the baby, giving her a hyphenated name. That softened what might have been a blow. (I had my only daughter 10 years later and still gave her the name.)
Tell your sister that you are disappointed with her decision, given that she knew your plan. Should you have a son, you can give him the name anyway, perhaps with a hyphenation. Your sister can’t control that.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger sister and I are planning on taking a vacation together, and she expects me to pay for her portion of the trip. She is 22 years old, and I am 30.
While I want to spend quality time with her and make this trip memorable, I feel it’s unfair for me to bear the entire financial burden.
My sister is currently working part-time and still in college, while I have a stable job and a steady income. However, I believe she should contribute to the expenses in some way, even if it’s a smaller portion.
I’m struggling with how to approach this topic without causing tension or making her feel bad. I value our relationship and don’t want this to become a source of conflict. At the same time, I want to make sure that we both take responsibility for the costs involved.
How can I have this conversation with her in a way that is both considerate and assertive?
— Share The Cost
DEAR SHARE THE COST: You two need to have a simple conversation. Tell your sister that you are excited that she is going on vacation with you and that you are willing to pay for most of the trip, but you expect her to pay for some of it.
Ask her how much she feels she can contribute. Whatever that amount is, invite her either to give it to you upfront or — even better — to use it to pay for taxis, a few meals or other smaller expenses.
Tell her you think it’s important for her to participate in the cost of the trip even as you know she can’t afford to fully pay her own way.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
