ONE polyamorous woman realized that sharing her love had limits.
She started to think about taking her life in a new direction after getting some serious revelations about her various rendezvous.
Redditor Native-anxiety4613 opened up about her unconventional relationship history.
“I’ve been polyamorous for 30 years. I regret it now,” she said.
“They also had lots of variation; I’ve been part of throuples and polycules of up to four people, and different open relationships,” she continued.
She admitted that she had been in polyamorous relationships before she was even aware of what the term meant. Her last monogamous relationship was at the age of 13.
She came up with excuses for why she continued to partake in relationships with multiple partners.
Over the years she went from being afraid of being “tied to one person,” to feeling like she “had too much love to give.”
“The thought of being with one person was unappealing and incomprehensible to me,” she said.
She detailed both her short- and long-term relationships, which lasted from a few months to up to eight years.
These courtships involved both men and women.
Her underlying struggles became clearer once she decided to seek professional help.
“This year I’ve decided to start seeing a psychiatrist regularly, a really good one, and I realized a lot of things, including the fact that I was polyamorous for all the wrong reasons,” she said.
“I didn’t want to be tied down, and then I looked into my childhood and of course, I wouldn’t want to, my parents’ marriage was a s**tshow and my father cheated over and over again,” she continued.
She even recalled avoiding her mother because she blamed her for creating an environment where cheating “wasn’t a thing in the first place.”
This all led to self-esteem issues in her teen years, something which became more manageable when she realized that boys found her “desirable.”
“The more boys liked me and paid me romantic attention, the more confidence I had. The more people I dated, the more access I had to validation at once,” she said.
“I couldn’t stand being alone with my thoughts for more than five minutes, so having somebody there was a relief,” she added.
She also realized she needed a large amount of attention.
She became addicted to the euphoric high of being somebody’s romantic partner.
She would then go through a vicious cycle of feeling wrecked when her partner would move on to someone new.
“I’ve had it done to me, and I’ve done it myself. Looking back, I would exchange it all for one person,” she said.
“One person who would cherish me, prioritize me, respect me and my ambitions. It took me decades of using polyamory as a Band-Aid for much deeper wounds to realize they even existed.”
While she is now unsure of whether she will find monogamy to be the right path for her, she is more aware of one thing.
“I just know I am not happy with how I’ve been leading my life, and that I have many things to realize and grow from,” she said.
Others praised her for her bravery.
“Mental self-exploration is a daunting task! You took it on and have discovered a huge piece of your life puzzle and now you get to decide how to put that to play in your life,” said one user.
“I’m actually proud of you for realizing how and why you chose your lifestyle choices. Most of us – myself included – never explore why we choose what we choose,” said another.
“It sounds like you’ve worked your butt off to get to where you are and to understand yourself. I truly admire you for that!” they added.
“Self awareness is huge! It illustrates how much growth you’re experiencing. I don’t think I was a well rounded person until my 40s, so bravo to you,” a Redditor chimed in.
