Courtesy Terri Peters
In the last year, both of my kids have had their first serious relationships. Gone are the days of schoolyard crushes, and in their place are weekend dates and dinner table talks about my kids' relationships. As a mom to a 16-year-old son and 14-year-old daughter, it's been eye-opening — and sometimes harder than I imagined.
When my kids were small, I wondered what it'd be like when they were teenagers. I didn't realize that when they dated, their break-ups would be tough on me as well. I've genuinely liked the kids my teens have dated, so it's been sad seeing each of those relationships come to an end. It's brought some situations into my life that can only be described as a real bummer.
When my daughter went through her first major break-up, I was in another country on vacation with my husband. Being so far away from her while she sobbed was brutal, and had I not already been flying home the next morning, I may have left the trip early to be by her side. Instead, we communicated over text until I could get home to give her a hug.
No parent wants to see their child hurting, and watching the heartbreak and anxiety dating can bring into kids' lives has been surprisingly tough for me. The upside, however, is watching my kids learn more about themselves and grow through the grieving process. I've seen both kids come out of their break-ups wiser and more sure of themselves, and that's taken the sting away just a bit.
As I grow and learn with my kids, I'm learning how much time to invest in the people they date — something that's been tough to gauge since my husband and I are the kind of grown-ups who love to get to know other families and spend time with them. When your teen's relationship ends, so can friendships you've formed with their former partner's parents, and that's been sad for me to navigate.
It's hard not to feel so protective over your kids that you confront their ex-partner's parents about the ways your child was seemingly wronged, especially when you've developed a rapport with those moms and dads. I've learned that at the end of the day, every parent just wants their kid to be happy, so there's not much of a point in trying to talk things through with the other parents during a breakup.
After seeing our kids go through a few heartbreaks, my husband and I have wondered, is there a certain amount of time teens should be dating before you befriend the partner's parents? At the end of the day, however, we can't see ourselves being the kind of people who don't welcome new relationships with open arms, even if that means getting hurt.
Courtesy Terri Peters
When my son, my first child, was an infant, I remember laying down some ground rules about who could hold the baby before we visited my husband's extended family for the first time. I'll never forget my father-in-law saying, "They don't call them mother hens for nothing." At that moment, I was a hot-tempered mother hen, protecting my brood at all costs.
More than 15 years later, I am still a mother hen, and when I perceive that my kids have been wronged, it's tough not to get involved. I've learned to keep quiet, both in not confronting other parents about what I think their kids did wrong and in sharing my opinion with my kids unless they ask for it. While my husband is a safe sounding board for my frustrations, my kids aren't — so I listen to them talk about their breakups and their feelings but only offer advice when they ask for it, even when biting my tongue is tough to do.
All sobbing and stressing aside, I've seen some upsides to my kids going through break-ups. For one, it's brought my husband and me closer to each of them as we've talked through their feelings and helped them process their grief and anxiety over the end of their relationship. We're grateful to have kids who share openly with us, and truly feel honored to be trusted sources in their lives that they come to when things are tough.
It's also been rewarding to see my kids grow and learn as a result of each breakup. Dating may be filled with ups and downs, but those occurrences offer an opportunity to experience conflict, resolution, joy, and discontentment. Seeing my teenagers date has been unexpectedly hard for me, yes, but it's also made me incredibly proud of the two humans I am raising and how strong they are.
