"For Love & Money" answers your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader's husband wants a gift to their son to be repaid.
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Dear For Love & Money,
I gave my adult son money when he was getting a divorce eight years ago. My husband wants him to pay it back. For the first five years, he didn't have the money. He is still unable to pay me back and also doesn't want to.
To date, he has paid back $6,000 of $16,000. It causes friction between my son and my husband. He wants him to be responsible. I gave him the money with no strings. He is now going to be a father. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Still Parenting
Dear Still Parenting,
Much of my advice hinges on something you didn't mention in your letter. When you gave your son the $16,000 eight years ago, did you call it a gift or a loan? You said you gave your son "the money with no strings," implying you originally intended it to be a gift. But you also mention that your son has already paid back $6000, so perhaps you both always understood he would eventually need to repay you.
If you were clear with your son from the beginning that this money was a loan, he knows what he must do. He's an adult, and while he's lucky his lender is a forgiving and flexible parent, that doesn't change the fact this was never his money to keep.
If this is the case, I would sit down with your son and build a manageable payment plan that won't financially hurt his growing family. Asking your son to pay you back this way may feel awkward and cruel, but remember that you're challenging him to follow through on his commitments. An integrity that will only make him a stronger, better human.
If, however, by "no strings," you mean the money was a gift — or even just that you wrote a check to your son without giving any verbal expectation of repayment — this dilemma is now a question of your integrity. $16,000 is a lot of money. When a parent gives you such a large sum to help you out of a jam, unless they say otherwise, you don't assume they plan to burden your future with an expectation of repayment. Parents give their kids gifts from day one on the planet. So, while this assumption may be entitled, it's honestly common.
Speaking of financially burdening your child's future, a $16,000 loan is significant. I'm in my mid-30s with a secure and comfortable income. And still, I will take my time and do my due diligence before borrowing that amount of money for a car loan. I would certainly be concerned if a young relative told me they were taking on $16,000 worth of debt. Now, your son was going through a divorce, so he wasn't a child, and I wouldn't judge you for offering him an interest-free loan as long as he knew it was a loan.
This brings me to the other point your letter didn't specify — where was your husband eight years ago when you gave your son this money? Perhaps he wasn't in the picture yet, or maybe he was around and agreed with your choice to give your son the money. Or, you knew your husband would make an issue out of it, so you chose not to tell him you were giving your son money since it was your money to give.
In any of these scenarios I listed, your husband can have an opinion, but since it wasn't his money then or now, he doesn't get to decide how you handle this with your son. That said, if you hid your choice to give your son money from your husband eight years ago, he has every right to be upset, even if he agrees that the money was yours alone. Unless you're multi-millionaires, $16,000 is a large sum, and doing anything with such a hefty chunk of cash certainly falls under the "I need to talk to my partner about this first" umbrella.
My husband is the emotional half of our marriage. He frets and fumes whenever his feelings call for it. On the other hand, I can't bear the drama of big emotions, not for myself or anyone else around me. When I find myself in a situation I know will upset my husband, hiding it is always my first impulse.
Whether it's a broken household appliance or one of our children needing something expensive that I worry he won't consider a "need," I want to deal with it my way — stoically — while he remains blissfully unbothered. Omitting these concerns may keep my heart beating at a comfortable, steady tempo, but deep down, I know I have to let him know what's going on because teamwork requires honest communication. Unless I do the hard thing and talk to him, I'm setting us both up for failure.
I recognize a similar tension in your letter. Your deepest concern has nothing to do with getting your $10,000 back; instead, the friction the money is causing between your son and your husband bothers you. You even said that as far as you're concerned, you gave your son "the money with no strings," but since your husband disagrees, you don't know what to do.
Unfortunately, you find yourself caught between two people you love who aren't afraid to ask you to give them their way at the other's expense. And in case you need someone to say it, I will — this isn't fair.
While I can't tell you who to choose, I will tell you not to base your decision on which man you're more afraid of disappointing. Instead, reread your letter from my perspective. Try and see the situation through the eyes of someone without a shred of skin in the game. Ask yourself what you would tell the author of this letter to do. Do that.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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