A long overdue reform is finally coming to the Olympics, and sports fans everywhere are happier than they’ve ever been: The International Olympics Committee has announced that this year javelin throwers will be allowed to throw the javelins at each other.
Hell. Yes. It’s shameful that it’s taken this long to make the change, but better late than never.
“Javelins are basically big spears, and it’s time for us to admit that the athletes should be able to kill each other with them,” International Olympics Committee President Thomas Bach told members of the press earlier this morning as part of his announcement about the new policy, which he said will go into effect immediately and will likely produce “a wonderful body count” at this year’s Games. “We apologize to Olympics spectators for the countless years they’ve spent watching boring people tossing javelins at nothing and not killing anyone.”
“Giving athletes giant throwing spears and then telling them they can’t throw the spears at each other would be like telling the competitors in the shooting competition that they weren’t allowed to duel each other with their guns,” Mr. Bach added. “It would be such a goddamn waste.”
It’s so great that the Olympics is still able to grow and evolve even after all these years!
According to the Olympic Committee’s new bylaws, the gold medal in javelin will still go to whichever competitor can throw the javelin the farthest, but it’s now also fine for them to indulge their undeniable urge to hurl their javelins at their fellow athletes and try to spear them good. The Committee also stated that while there is still technically a rule that forbids Olympic javelin throwers from throwing their javelins into the crowd to try to spear spectators through the brain, this is not a rule they will be enforcing.
This is so exciting! It’s awesome that Olympic javelin throwers will finally be able to shishkebab each other with their big weapons. While this is definitely something that should have happened during every Olympics ever, dating back to the Ancient Greeks, it’s great that the International Olympics Committee is finally acknowledging their mistake and setting the stage for some incredible carnage. We can’t wait to watch the javelin competition this week and see all that wonderful gore. This truly is what the Olympics are all about!
