Quoting Mean Girls isn’t just a sport. It’s a national pastime. Mean Girls is how we make sense of the world, giving the chaos of the universe a recognizable template by which to understand it. More than any writer of her age (and I’m serious), Tina Fey has changed the ways that young people speak and interact with each other, introducing lovely new phrases into the vernacular like “fetch” and “that’s not a thing.” If I had to go an entire day without using a Fey-ism, I don’t know if I could do it. Tina Fey gives me life. She is my reason for being.
With that in mind, I compiled a list of my most-used Mean Girls quotes, in no particular order. This list is in no way an objective compilation, and you may find that your favorite quips vastly differ from mine. That’s one of the great things about it: it’s an endless source of humor to pull from, a veritable Bartlett’s for our age. Do you have favorites I didn’t include? (Hint: I purposefully left a couple favorites off, to give you something to feedback about.) Leave them in the comment section below.
1. “Get in loser. We’re going shopping.”
2. “Ex-boyfriends are off-limits to friends. That’s just, like, the rules of feminism.”
3. “Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George.”
4. “We only carry sizes one, three and five. You could try Sears.”
5. “That’s why her hair is so big. It’s full of secrets.”
6. “It’s like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it’s going to rain. Well… they can tell when it’s raining.”
7. Janis: “We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina’s whole dirty history.” Damian: “Say crack again.” Janis: “Crack.”
8. “But you’re, like, really pretty… So you agree? You think you’re really pretty?”
9. “I’m a mouse, duh.”
10. “Can I get you guys anything? Some snacks? A condom? Let me know! Oh, God love ya.”
11. “I don’t hate you ‘cause your fat. You’re fat ‘cause I hate you!”
12. “I wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school. I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy.”
13. “One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.”
14. “I want to lose three pounds.”
15. “I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.”
16. “’Cause she’s a life ruiner. She ruins people’s lives.”
17. “Regina George is not sweet! She’s a scum-sucking road whore, she ruined my life!”
18. “If only you knew how mean she really is, you’d know that I’m not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? Yeah, two years ago she told me hoops earrings were her thing, and I wasn’t allowed to wear them anymore. And then for Hanukkah my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and I had to pretend like I didn’t even like them. It was so sad.”
19. “On Wednesdays we wear pink.”
20. “Made out with a hot dog? Oh my God that was one time!”
21. “Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!”
22. “Why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant, while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet? What’s so great about Caesar? Hmm? Brutus is just as cute as Caesar. Brutus is just as smart as Caesar. People totally like Brutus just as much as they like Caesar. And when did it become okay for one person to be the boss of everybody, huh? Because that’s not what Rome is about. We should totally just stab Caesar!”
23. “You smell like a baby prostitute.”
24. “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
25. “I guess it’s probably because I’ve got a big lesbian crush on you! Suck on that.”
26. “Somebody wrote in that book that I’m lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons, but I can’t help it if I’ve got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!”
27. “Everyone in Africa can read Swedish.”
28. “Oh my God, Danny DeVito! I love your work!”
29. “I can’t go to Taco Bell. I’m on an all-carb diet. God, Karen, you are so stupid!”
30. “If you’re from Africa, why are you white?”
31. “There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff and those who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it.”
32. “I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom.”
33. Damian: “My Nana takes her wig off when she is drunk.” Ms. Norbury: “Your Nana and I have that in common.”
34. “Gretchen, I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.”
35. “She doesn’t even go here!”
36. “I hear she does car commercials…in Japan.”
37. “And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.”
38. “Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.”
39. “I have this theory, that if you cut off all her hair she’d look like a British man.”
40. “This is Susan from Planned Parenthood, I have her test results. If you could have her call me as soon as she can. It’s urgent. Thank you.”
