Courtesy of Samantha Tsang
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Samantha Tsang. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I met my ex on a dating app in 2020. I was ready to settle down, and he seemed to be too, so things got serious quickly. We bought a dog and picked out an engagement ring.
Then, it all fell apart when I learned he had three other girlfriends, all of whom thought they were exclusive with him.
When I learned the truth I was devastated. I felt not only heartbroken but traumatized. I couldn't sleep in my bed for three months and lost a dangerous amount of weight. I was terrified my ex would try to take our dog. I got tested for STDs, knowing he'd been sleeping with other people.
I have a doctoral degree in public health, specializing in social and behavioral sciences. I'm a smart person, so I blamed myself for missing the signs — though even in retrospect, I couldn't see any.
Almost immediately, I realized there were only a few other people who could understand what I was going through: My ex's other girlfriends.
When I decided to message the other women on social media, my motivations were a bit selfish. I wanted to understand what had happened to me, and I thought they might have information that would help.
First, I told the three other women my ex had been seeing at the same time as me. All were very shocked, and none of them knew that he had been cheating on them. When I found out he'd cheated on previous partners, I messaged them, too. All in all, I got in touch with about 130 women.
Most of them were very open to hearing from me, but not everyone was. I messaged one girlfriend who had briefly overlapped with me. She took months to send a short response, and we haven't been in touch since. That's fine. I know how traumatic it is to live through betrayal. I want to meet other women where they are in processing what happened.
However, I've got to say that my ex knew how to pick women. All of the girlfriends were kind, compassionate, and smart. Most were Asian, like me, and professionals: lawyers, engineers, and artists.
The other women really understood what it was like to go through the gaslighting and manipulation that we all went through. They helped me in moments of doubt, fear, anger, and sadness. And they felt those emotions right along with me.
With their support, I started to heal. I saw doctors to care for my physical and mental health and even went on medication to help with depression and anxiety for a time. I talked to lawyers, but they informed me that my ex technically hadn't broken any laws. I worked with a therapist because the biggest breach of trust I had was with myself. I wanted to know why I was such easy prey for him.
My relationship with two of the women developed into a deep friendship beyond the short messages I exchanged with the others. In the year since this happened, they've provided me with so much encouragement. We all cheer each other on when it comes to healing, dating, and just living life.
Our relationship has never felt competitive but has always felt the complete opposite: supportive.
I've dated a bit since my ex, but for better or worse, it's easier for me to say no to people now. I'm not in a serious relationship, but I'm working on rebuilding my confidence and practicing self-compassion and love. Luckily, I have two new friends who can understand exactly what I'm going through. I'm so grateful I crossed paths with them, even under very disturbing circumstances.
