Replace all Department of Education employees with sunglass-wearing dudes filming themselves ranting in pick-up trucks.
Abolish DEI hiring policies and ensure jobs are only given based on nepotism.
School children will start every morning reciting the pledge of allegiance and/or the lyrics of Kid Rock’s “Bawitdaba.”
Outlaw abortions for all Americans, excluding mistresses of Republicans.
The libs have to take Chris Pratt back. We don’t want him either.
Everyone has to stop making fun of my Punisher Thin Blue Line tattoo.
All Americans are entitled to own and carry firearms, provided they are white.
McDonald’s must bring back Mayor McCheese and execute the Hamburglar.
Ban all books, because reading is for nerds.
Girls can no longer refuse to date guys because they’re MAGA, and also, they have to tell them they are handsome and sometimes have to buy them stuff.
To clarify the gender binary, they will be renamed “bangable” and “not bangable.”
Restrict the free flow of information and crush all opposition. But not in an authoritative way. In, like, a freedom way.
Force woke Hollywood to stop giving roles to twenty-something soyboys like Timothée Chalamet, in favor of real men like Kevin Sorbo and Jon Voight.
My dad has to hug me and say he’s proud of me.
Homosexuality is banned, but two chicks doin’ it doesn’t count.
