Sometimes I can’t imagine why my three teenagers seem less-than-thrilled to hear my unsolicited advice. After all, I’ve got the benefit of 43 years of life experience to back it up. And nearly a decade of that was made up of my own teen years, making me — in my own eyes, anyway — doubly qualified to offer up these nuggets of wisdom.
Then I think, who am I kidding? When you’re a teenager, there’s usually little value in your parents’ admonitions of “Maybe slow down a little sooner before stop signs,” or “Try saving some money instead of letting it burn a hole in your pocket.” To them, it’s mostly just an onslaught of annoying suggestions; remember, at this age, they think they know everything.
But fellow parents of teens, rejoice! A study from the University of California, Riverside might just hold the key to getting your teenagers to not only listen to, but — gasp! — even appreciate our unsolicited advice. *Holds for applause*
And it all boils down to how much we recognize and respect their need to be independent.
First, the specifics. The study of 194 “emerging adults” (age 18-25) was comprised of a diverse racial makeup: 38.3% Asian, 33.2% Latino, 10.4% multiracial, 6.7% Middle Eastern, 4.7% Black, and 4.7% White. Participants reflected on times when a parent offered advice to help them manage their emotions. They then completed a survey to gauge whether the parent interaction was helpful and whether it changed their emotional state. They also reported on their ability to cope with the situation, control their emotions, and their connection with their parents. Finally, the youths were asked if they had sought support and whether they perceived their parents as supporting their autonomy.
In a nutshell, the study revealed that teens are in fact capable of appreciating their parents’ unsolicited advice, but only if the parent is in favor of their teen’s autonomy and respectful of their independence. If teens feel their parents don’t trust them to make their own choices, unsolicited advice comes across as insincere and unhelpful.
“If youth feel like their parents don’t ‘get them’ or ‘understand them,’ it’s possible that youth conclude that the parental advice does not apply to them,” Madeline Newman, one of the study’s authors, said in UC Riverside News. Senior author of the study Elizabeth Davis, UC researcher and associate professor of psychology, told the publication, “Emerging adulthood is a special time of the lifespan, when there are new opportunities for freedom and decision-making, but still lots of ties to family of origin. So the way parents support their youth during this transitional phase will set the stage for later adulthood.”
With that being said, here’s the big question: How can we, as parents, ensure that we’re supporting our teen’s independence so they’ll be more inclined to actually listen when we offer up advice? We turned to the experts for some advice of our own, and here’s what they had to say.
Acknowledging and respecting teens’ opinions shows that their perspectives are valued — even if they’re different from our own, Dr. Deborah Gilman, owner and chief licensed psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services, tells SheKnows. “For example: Your teen expresses a different political opinion. Instead of dismissing it, engage in a respectful conversation. Say, ‘I appreciate your perspective on this; can you share more about what led you to that conclusion?'”
“Fostering autonomy in teenagers requires a delicate balance between providing them with support and allowing them to have space for independence,” says Dr. Caroline Fenkel, Chief Clinical Officer, co-founder, and adolescent mental health expert at Charlie Health. “One way to do this is to maintain open and non-judgmental communication with them, allowing them to express themselves and share things about their lives with you without fear of criticism.”
Open and meaningful conversations that allow our teens to feel that their opinions are heard and valued can fortify their sense of self and facilitate critical thinking skills, says Dr. Joel Frank, licensed clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist at Duality Psychological Services. “When a parent or caregiver validates a teenager’s feelings and listens to their voice, the teenager is empowered to feel the latitude and power in their lives to foster autonomy.”
Dr. Gilman points out that the way we frame our advice makes all the difference. “When providing advice, frame it as guidance rather than a directive,” she suggests. “Instead of saying, ‘You should do this,’ try saying, ‘Have you considered this option?’ This approach respects their autonomy while offering valuable insights.” She recommends asking things like, “What are the pros and cons of each option?” which allows teens to exercise their critical thinking skills.
Whether it’s what to eat for dinner, which house rules to enforce, or where to go on vacation, involving our teens in making decisions for the family lets them feel more in control and responsible — and lets them know their input is valuable.
Similarly, Dr. Gilman advises giving teens plenty of chances to show us how responsible they can be. “This could involve tasks such as managing their own schedule, handling personal finances, or making decisions about extracurricular activities,” she says. A part of this is helping them set realistic goals and encouraging them to take ownership of their aspirations: “If your teen expresses an interest in learning a musical instrument, support them in setting achievable goals. Help them outline steps, such as researching lessons, practicing regularly, and participating in a local music group.”
Showing an interest in these preferred activities right alongside them can go even further in helping a teen feel independent, adds Dr. Fenkel. “Showing genuine interest in your teen’s passions and hobbies is another way to support their autonomy. Supporting their interests helps build self-esteem and a sense of competence,” she says. “This might involve exploring extracurricular activities, hobbies, or academic interests that resonate with them.”
There are also ample opportunities for teens to take on some domestic responsibility as well. “Offering teenagers responsibilities around the home, like managing their laundry or cooking a meal, can significantly boost their sense of self-reliance and competence,” says Dr. Frank.
As parents, our first inclination when something is bothering our kids is to solve it. But sometimes, says Dr. Gilman, it’s important to just actively listen. Our willingness to hear them out shows that we think their feelings are valid — and that we trust in their ability to handle them on their own, but we’re here to be a support system if needed. If your teen comes home upset after a difficult day, Dr. Gilman says, “Instead of immediately offering solutions, say, ‘I’m here for you. Take your time; when you’re ready, I’m all ears.'”
Doing these things isn’t going to magically turn our kids into people who actively seek us out for all manner of advice; they’re still teenagers, after all, and a hardheaded unwillingness to listen to reason is par for the course some days. But helping a teen to be more independent will do them a world of good in the long run — and now there’s evidence that it just might help them recognize their parents’ wisdom. At least sometimes.
DR. DEBORAH GILMAN: Owner and chief licensed psychologist at Fox Chapel Psychological Services
DR. CAROLINE FENKEL: Chief Clinical Officer, co-founder, and adolescent mental health expert at Charlie Health
DR. JOEL FRANK: Licensed clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist at Duality Psychological Services
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