A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the traits psychopaths look for in their victims.
Previously, I wrote about the red flags you may be dealing with a female psychopath and how female psychopaths target their victims. But how do male psychopaths operate, and what kind of traits and behaviors do they seek in a potential romantic partner? Here are the four surprising traits psychopaths look for in women. Keep in mind that if you were targeted by a psychopathic person, it was not your fault, as they can use both your strengths and your vulnerabilities against you.
Psychopathic people tend to be superficially charismatic, remorseless, and conscienceless. Psychopathy experts like Dr. Robert Hare tell us that psychopaths look for nurturing women who tend to take care of their partners, those are caring and compassionate to the point of sacrificing themselves for their partners. This is because such women are most susceptible to pity ploys and feeling sympathy even when a psychopathic individual has harmed them. Empathy in others is a beautiful quality, but it can be weaponized by dark personality types for their own agendas. Psychopathic people need romantic partners who are willing to make rationalizations regarding their morally dubious behavior in order to maintain the relationship. They sense that an empathic partner is (usually) less likely to hold them accountable and that they can leech off this partner, using their resources for their own gain.
This trait may be a bit more surprising to discover, but just like psychopaths are sensation-seeking thrill seekers with a propensity for boredom, they tend to be aligned with women who have a sense of adventure and who crave having a sense of excitement in their lives. Needless to say, no one actually wants excitement in the form of an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship with a psychopath, nor is it ever your fault if you were targeted by one, but the chaos of toxic relationships can be biochemically addictive. That is why women who are drawn to adventure can become easily entangled by a psychopath’s charm as well as the euphoria of love bombing, which is the excessive attention and affection the psychopath showers on their victims at the onset of the relationship. Partners of psychopaths may also be entranced by the pursuit of novelty; initially, they share this impulse too, but in healthy ways. They, too, may want to travel to faraway lands and hike the Appalachian Mountains or go bungee jumping, or party all night, or take an impromptu flight to Paris. However, the psychopathic individual has little fear and very little inhibition. Their idea of an adrenaline rush goes far beyond spontaneous romance and enters a more sinister territory: the thrill of leading double lives, deceiving others, running off with someone’s money, or conning someone innocent for the sake of duping delight can be just as “fun” for them as skinny dipping in the ocean or getting eloped in France. Their desire for adventure tends to veer into the realm of moral depravity and risk-taking rather than the innocent exploration.
If you were a psychopath, who would you rather date? Someone who leaves promptly at the first red flag, someone who gives up on a relationship quickly when they perceive it won’t be beneficial to them, or the person who acts like they’re in a wrestling match, about to take on the challenge with the tenacity and determination of a sumo wrestler? As a thrill-seeking psychopath, the third option sounds like a perfect fit and one that will provide high levels of stimulation for the psychopathic individual — they love seeing their victims get riled up and fight back because it alleviates their perpetual boredom and allows them to stoke their sadistic impulses. Unfortunately, many of the traits that make women so resilient and strong can actually make them prey for psychopathic individuals. It’s ironically a bit easier to ensnare a resilient individual into a toxic cycle because they have a “never give up, never quit” mentality, and they are accustomed to taking on challenges and competing for the win.
It’s no wonder male psychopaths love successful and beautiful women — not only do they have resources, status, and reputation they can leech off and physical attributes they can use as arm candy, these women also tend to be passionate about holding their own and fighting back. That is what makes a psychopath’s pursuit of such a woman so exciting — they want to be able to trap her, overcome her, and dominate her. To have a victim who is already submissive is no fun for a psychopath who enjoys playing cat and mouse and making a dominant woman submit to him. They get a secret thrill out of making her comply and breaking her down. Some women stay in the relationship to try to “fix” the psychopath, while others fight back against the psychopath, and some even compete to overcome them. At the end of the day, this is one unique circumstance where you actually “win” the game by seemingly “giving up” and protecting yourself and refocusing on yourself.
Interestingly, psychopaths can target women of either side of the trauma history “spectrum.” That’s because women who grew up in happy, healthy households may not have an acute awareness of manipulative tactics and may not ever suspect they would be manipulated by a romantic partner unless taught explicitly by their parents to have tough boundaries and watch out for wolves in sheep’s clothing. People who are raised to see the good in others and give people the benefit of the doubt, who see their parents as role models of the relationship they desire, may either have high standards for their relationships or they might mistake love bombing for love. They may view love bombing as true “soulmate” love because healthy, exuberant, overflowing love is what they witnessed growing up, and the fast-paced nature of the relationship of a psychopath who swoops you off your feet can feel just the way fairytale romance feels. On the other hand, traumatized women may be aware and even hypervigilant to these signs but still become entangled with a psychopath because of core unhealed wounds and a fear of abandonment. No matter what your trauma history may be, you can be susceptible to the charm of a psychopath because these dark personality types tend to prey on both the vulnerabilities and strengths of a target as well as their subconscious desire to be loved and chosen, a desire that exists in all human beings. If you were a target, it was not your fault.
That is why psychopaths tend to stay away from people with a strong self-concept and a high level of ego and self-validation (unless they want to break those people down as a challenge) because they want people who they can charm into feeling special and unique. A person who is deemed too “egotistical” or too confident can be infuriating to a psychopath who requires their victims to be reliant on their validation in order to prey on them. Only the psychopath is allowed to love bomb you, after all — or so they believe. A victim that dares to love themselves and put themselves on the pedestal — well, that’s one of the traits these types just won’t tolerate. If you want to protect yourself from a psychopath, your best bet is to dial down on showcasing your empathy and bleeding heart too soon to potential manipulators and use your resilience to detach from toxic people.
