History!

The White Sox fall to the Royals and soar to new heights with a record-breaking, 16-game losing streak

History was made this evening on the South Side of Chicago.

Going into tonight’s game, South Siders everywhere braced themselves for a record-breaking 16th loss in a row by the struggling team. The odds were stacked against the White Sox, and then some. With a team this bad, the most common excitement fans find is in watching the train find new and bigger things to crash into.

Jonathan Cannon took the mound looking measured and controlled. Surely he had his eyes set on the Cannon Killer: Royals darling Bobby Witt Jr., who’s not only the hottest hitter in baseball, but who was boasting a threatening 1.400 OPS against Cannon coming into tonight’s game.

Michael Wacha had the clear advantage on the mound for the Royals, but Nicky Lopez smacked a leadoff triple to start the game. A wild pitch scored him. Luis Robert Jr. walked, but then got caught stealing. At least there was a South Side offense to watch.

Some tough plays peppered the field, with notable Lopez and Robert Jr. defensive gems. The boys weren’t sleeping tonight, despite the black cloud of loss that’s hung over their heads like a curse for the entire season.

But hope was ignited in not just the lineup, but the fans, kindled by Cannon’s remarkable performance. All night, Cannon artfully worked the mound, giving up a home run to Michael Massey in the third as the only hit he surrendered up all night. He had complete command and was in the zone against a Royals team that’s been wrecking White Sox pitchers.

In the fourth, Andrew Vaughn hit his 13th dinger of the season, putting the White Sox ahead, 2-1. Nick Senzel, signed July 11 and filling Yoán Moncada’s third-base spot, had hits in the fifth and seventh innings.

The end of the losing streak was in sight. Cannon departed to fanfare over his one-hitter, but White Sox fans didn’t relax. We’ve been through this situation countless times, and with 27 blown saves already in the bank, we knew what would happen next.

Fraser Ellard, making his big league debut in the eighth, was undoubtedly tense and couldn’t hit his mark. He walked two and struck out one, and with a pitch clock violation and a frown, departed the game distraught — but with the White Sox clinging to a 2-1 advantage.

Justin Anderson to the rescue? No. Two quick singles scored the Royals three runs, making it 4-2. The familiar “sell the team” chant echoed through the stadium, while 300 miles away, a freed-and-rejuvenated Tommy Pham hit a grand slam for the St. Louis Cardinals. Nature is healing.

In the eighth, Lopez and Robert each hit singles, and Luis redeemed himself by stealing his 15th bag of the season. Lopez scored on a ground out, but with Robert as the tying run on third, pinch-hitter and tomato boy Andrew Benintendi struck out.

Yes, history was made this evening on the South Side of Chicago, but in the form of a ghastly stain of defeat on the franchise’s record.

Hawk Harrelson’s iconic call of Mark Buehrle’s perfect game beatifies our memories, but on nights like tonight, it torments us. We’ve witnessed history again, White Sox fans, but in all the wrong ways. It can’t get any worse for us.

Most players look to their skipper in trying times, but shitbasket Pedro Grifol has abandoned ship, and isn’t keeping it a secret.

If only their careers weren’t on the line, White Sox players could engage in a form of quiet quitting. May as well go for the gold. The current longest single-season losing streak is held by the Philadelphia Phillies, with 23 losses in a row, and it’s possible that the South Siders can break that record and then some.

We’re not rooting against our team. We’re rooting for the losses to help crystallize the 2024 season in our shared experience as the worst time we’ve ever had as fans. As for the author of this game recap, the goal this year has evolved into giving readers a safe space to make fun of yourself, your team, your city, and the shitshow that’s a part of our lives whether we like it or not.

But if you’re a regular in the clubhouse and fraternize with the team as a part of your daily routine, don’t pretend to be the guys’ friends if you’re going to celebrate their demise.

In tonight’s “you should be ashamed” moment, NPC Ryan McGuffey, the sniveling producer who sold his soul to peddle sports betting apps to gambling addicts’ smartphones, pissed off the majority of already-downtrodden White Sox fans by shamelessly celebrating the Eloy Jiménez trade like a petulant little baby. Ryan, if hating two injured players is the only gimmick you have, then it’s time to shut the fuck up. You’re like the Double-A reject of dime-a-dozen baseball podcasts, and the only people at your defense are rage-addicts who feel validated and emboldened by your impulsive insults. Your immature celebration has the cringe level of 100,000 John Schriffen panther growls. Eloy may have been an albatross in the last couple of years after his injuries, but most fans have fond memories of him on the South Side, and it hurts to see him unceremoniously passed off to another team in the middle of the worst season of our lifetimes. At least he made people smile, something you’d only see after leaving a room with windows. (That means people smile when you leave, you terminally online dunce).

And shame on you, Gordon Beckham, for not calling this genius out on his toxic dehumanization of a person you probably called a friend — or, at the very least, a peer as a former White Sox player. At least Eloy had more than overblown minor league success under his belt, you filled urn of disappointment and wasted potential. Perhaps you felt too sheepish to defend a player proportionally more talented than you were.

Chuck Garfien, we’ve been suffering your no-personality yes-man schtick for years, and the only reason you still have that job is because your lack of principle is on par with an AI sportsbot. I’d say you’re going down in history as the most forgettable, characterless, untitled word document cyborg, but you won’t go down in history. You’re a two-faced clown, and I hope every White Sox player listens to this clip. You’re not their friends.

Fuck you all, and I hope you, too, get injured at work like Eloy. Unlike you, he has the well-wishes and support of the South Side.

Luckily, White Sox Twitter rose up and defended Eloy, and I hope he’s too busy detoxifying from the South Side shit show to notice.

As a palette cleanse, here’s a compilation of Hawk Harrelson getting pissed off at plays. We can only imagine the gold we’d get from him if he were still around. We’ll have to settle for Schriffen’s panther growls.

Futility Watch

White Sox 2024 Record 27-83, worst 110-game start in White Sox history (9 games worse than the next-worst, 1932 White Sox), tied for third-worst start all-time, and a season-worst 56 games under .500
White Sox 2024 Run Differential -222, tied for 17th-worst 110-game start in MLB history and a White Sox season-worst
White Sox 2024 Season Record Pace 40-122 (.245)
Race to the Worst “Modern” 162-Game Record (2003 Tigers, 43-119) 3 games worse
Race to the Worst “Modern” Record in a 162-Game Season (1962 Mets, 40-120) 1 game worse
Race to the Most White Sox Losses (1970, 106) 16 games worse
Race to the Worst White Sox Record (1932, 52-109-1*) 12 1⁄2 games worse
Race to the Worst American League Record (1916 A’s, 38-124*) 2 games better
*record adjusted to a 162-game season