Recently, America lost contact for five days with its intrepid leader, Joe Biden. My research team discovered that the reason for his disappearance was COVID and the fact that President Biden started working on his memoirs. Of course, while he was working on that, you need have no fear. He was still paying close attention to defending democracy, and as you can see all around you, democracy lives on as Kamala Harris begins to take command.
Due to the relentless devotion to digging up the truth, my research team brought back a preliminary copy of Biden’s literary work. Realize that this copy is just the first draft of what we can assume will be a classic. Here it is. These are the words of America’s greatest president history, blah, blah, blah.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. Does that sound familiar? Charles Dickens used that as his opening to “A Tale of Two Cities.” I figure I could use it for the beginning of my memoir because my Uncle Doozy was Charles Dickens’ gardener and he came up with that opening. He gave it to Dickens. Did he give Uncle Doozy any credit for it? Nope .That’s because Charles Dickens was a white supremacist and a superior to Uncle Doozy. So I’m just righting a wrong that is long overdue.
I grew up in a community that knew all about white supremacy. I grew up with a lot of Puerto Ricans. They called me Big Jose. That’s because I fit in so well with the common man. I actually did some bull fighting and considered becoming a professional bullfighter, but the call to serve in public office was too strong. So I left the bull behind. Well, sort of.
Spending time with my community of Latinos is how I learned to speak Spanish. Que pasa? See, I can speak Spanish and 11 other languages. You want some Italian? How’s this? “Spaghetti.” French, “oui.” I can go on and on about various languages. Going to a synagogue where I grew up, I learned some Hebrew, too – “oy vey.”
I was the first person in my family to go to college, which led to me to help out the guy who went on to develop insulin. Then, as president, I capped off the price of insulin to patients at $35. I beat Big Pharma … or is it Medicare? I can’t remember even though this is my memoir.
That’s because I spent my whole career in government working for the American people and defending democracy. I can’t remember all the great things I did for the American people; there are so many.
I was about to help discover penicillin, too, but I had the divine calling to run for public office. I also gave up the fame and fortune of inventing the iPhone.
Before politics grabbed me, I thought about becoming an astronaut. I believe if I went to astronaut college, I would’ve beaten Yuri Gaga from Russia into space. That’s because there isn’t anything a Biden can’t do, just like there isn’t anything America can’t do.
I got appointed to the Naval Academy, but I wanted to play football. Before going to Annapolis, I found out Navy already had a couple guys named Roger Staubach and Joe Bellino playing for them so I went to Delaware instead.
After leaving the U. of Delaware and before I ran for office, I wanted to see America from the ground up. So, I decided the best way to do that was to get behind the wheel of an 18-wheeler and hit the highway. I would have driven a 21-wheeler if they had one. You better believe it, Jack.
I had a good number of great adventures driving a truck, including the time I stopped at a truck stop in a desert out west. We’ll look at that incident in the second chapter along with the time I beat up Corn Pop, met an alien from Mars and was almost eaten by cannibals. I was luckier than my Uncle Bosey. I guess the world just loves Biden Beef.
Now on to chapter two. You with me, Jack?
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