These movies may be a disaster, but the hot guys saving the day sure aren’t.
I love disaster movies. I love the heart-stopping spectacle, the thrilling set pieces, the faulty logic; and maybe my heart is rotting, too. I’m so prepared for the world to end that I feel relief seeing it finally happen. However, there’s another integral component of disaster movies that critics never talk about: hot, sweaty men. This was conclusively proven by a pivotal scene in the recent Twisters in which Glen Powell wears a wet T-shirt. That’s it. That’s the whole scene. And yet, it has had more of a cultural impact than the movie itself – and that’s saying a lot, considering that the movie has logged the third-biggest opening weekend of the year. Moreover, the wet T-shirt scene was also apparently more important than a rumored scene featuring Powell and Daisy Edgar-Jones kissing, which, unlike Powell’s diamond-hard nips, did not make it into the movie.
But Powell’s moist happy trail also gave me an idea. What would our disaster movies be without the hot guys in them who say things like, “We could have prevented this?” They make the movies more watchable, allowing directors to intercut between close-ups of their abs and tracking shots of the San Andreas Fault destroying San Francisco. So, with that in mind, I will now rank five popular disaster movies by the touchability of their male stars.
The Trade: Jake Gyllenhaal (or Dennis Quaid, if you’re a daddy chaser)
Hotness ranking: 1 out of 5 fire tornadoes
Scientific reason: This movie came out at a weird time in Hollywood history, when Emmy Rossum was still “the next big thing” and Jake Gyllenhaal was not yet the brooding villain of Taylor Swift’s discography. That said, I have never found Jake Gyllenhaal very attractive. Now, have I replayed the tent scene from Brokeback Mountain forty times? Yes, but that was for research. In the case of The Day After Tomorrow, Jake Gyllenhaal is just a frail man with daddy issues and a Golden Retriever personality. At least he saved all those people from that tidal wave in Manhattan, though.
The Trade: John Cusack
Hotness ranking: 0 out of 5 fire tornadoes
Scientific reason: Normally, I would smash the “tap” button on Grindr so hard if a guy were to tell me that he had successfully driven a car through a collapsing L.A. parking garage while the ground crumbled beneath him. But John Cusack doesn’t do it for me here. He’s too dad energy and desperate. Like, even though he doesn’t wear a fanny pack at any point, he low key gives those vibes. Also, he never says anything funny! My door only opens to men who make me laugh.
The Trade: Kit Harington
Hotness ranking: 4 out of 5 fire tornadoes
Scientific reason: It was refreshing for me to see Kit Harington play a charming eager beaver type after watching him complain about the weather for ten years on Game of Thrones. Yes, Harington is still pensive in this movie, which follows the eruption of Mount Vesuvius in A.D. 79. However, he’s also fun. He gets to do action star things and be a naughty gladiator and chase after a basic rich girl. However, there’s one more factor of Harington’s performance that truly elevates it to Oscar-worthy. If you guessed his three-pack, you’re half right.
The Trade: The Rock
Hotness ranking: 2 out of 5 fire tornadoes
Scientific reason: The Rock has got biceps to spare. Also: Pecs, lats, quads, and the other ones. But he’s too much of a perfect archetype of, like, masculinity? Every time I see him on screen, I just see a guy with a massive ego and hero complex who gave himself an entire career as a rugged action star to get attention. This guy probably has 500,000-thread count sheets and a regular standing appointment with a Thai manicurist, but still wants us to think he could wrestle a lion. Pass.
The Trade: Leonardo DiCaprio
Hotness Ranking: 10 out of 5 fire tornadoes
Scientific Reason: This movie combines a lot of genres, but the entire last hour or so is a disaster movie. But be honest: Would you care about Titanic if it weren’t for Rose’s hot three night stand? As Jack Dawson, Leonardo DiCaprio is bold, dreamy, self-deprecatingly funny, and middle-parted – a perfect storm of traits that make him a man of our time. Just try not to think about the bloated, creepy old man that Leo becomes in real life after the ship sinks, and we’re good.
