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Dear For Love & Money,
My mother-in-law has been living with us for the last year. After being unhappily married for my husband's whole life, she left his dad and, after several financial mistakes, ended up in our basement.
Her relationship with my husband has always been weird. She does things like edge me out of pictures so they can just be of her and her "boy." If I hug him, she has to hug him immediately after. If I call him a pet name, she calls him a pet name.
Since the divorce, things have only gotten worse. Now that she lives with us, she constantly tells me how "lucky" I am to have such a good husband when she had such a bad one. I am lucky, but my husband is lucky to have me, too.
She constantly babies my husband in a way that insinuates I should be doing these things for him. I didn't marry a man-child, and I have no intention of treating him like one, but the longer she lives with us, the more her constant service is becoming his expectation.
Bottom line: I want her out. The truth is, however, she can't afford it. She's in her mid-50s. I think she could support herself, but it would take changing her life by getting a job, getting job qualifications, being independent, and so on. She has a daughter as well as my husband, but her daughter has kids, and we don't, so everyone seems to have agreed that's not as good of an option.
My husband loves me and understands my frustration, but he would never turn his mom out on the street, which is something I love about him. However, I also need his mother out of my house immediately. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Get Her Out
Dear Get Her Out,
I've spent a lot of time thinking of ways you can solve your mother-in-law/roommate woes, and I landed on a couple of potential solutions. But before I dive into these solutions, I wanted to talk about strategies for handling some of the complaints you listed in your letter. Remember, even if your mother-in-law leaves your house, she will still be in your lives, hip-checking you out of every photo opportunity.
Talk to your husband about his mother's behavior and how it makes you feel. Ask him to stick up for you when he sees her being passive-aggressive. This doesn't have to look like a grand call out; a simple "I'm the lucky one, Mom," when she's insinuating you don't deserve him will do the trick.
And as tempting as it is to fight for our in-laws' approval, don't be afraid to stick up for yourself as well. Again, this doesn't need to be a dramatic showdown. A gentle rebuttal such as, "He enjoys working in the kitchen," if she's complaining about him having to cook for himself, or "My mother always says the same about me," if she's referring to what a catch her son is, should gracefully shut her down.
As for getting her out of the basement, I think it's time to reexamine the sister-in-law option. I understand she is already working with a pretty full house, but having another adult around to help with childcare sounds like more of an asset than a drawback. Of course, there's always the question of limited space, but that's a problem a little rearranging can likely fix.
Asking kids to share a bedroom or your mother-in-law to sleep on a futon might be a big ask, but so is asking you and your husband to shoulder your mother-in-law's challenging circumstances alone. However, this is also a lot to ask of your sister-in-law and her family to carry alone, so I suggest you all consider taking turns.
Have your mother-in-law alternate spending a month living at your place and your husband's sister's place. This will give everyone much-needed breaks from one another. And while it won't give your mother-in-law a lot of permanence, permanence probably isn't the best way to achieve forward momentum anyway.
My second solution is for you to talk to your husband about an exit plan. This is very different than telling him, "Throw your mother out on the streets. I've had it!" Instead, tell him that you don't feel like this is a long-term solution, but you don't want to abandon the woman who raised him in her time of need, either.
Therefore, you'd like to sit down together and devise an action plan for getting her back on her feet. Talk about strategies for helping her rejoin the workforce and start to save money. Real estate licensing can be an excellent option for a third act. She could look into becoming a substitute teacher or starting a small business like being a doula, caterer, or dog walker.
Your mother-in-law is still a few years away from collecting Social Security or qualifying for Medicare, but help her look into other assistance programs that might help, such as subsidized housing or SNAP. You mentioned she made financial mistakes previously, so helping her find ways to rebuild her credit score could also be extremely helpful.
Remind your husband that there are plenty of other ways to help his mother beyond giving her a place to stay. Not only will she likely prefer independence in her own place, but she'll also have security knowing she has such a strong support system nearby cheering her on. Just, you know, not right upstairs.
Rooting for all of you,
For Love & Money
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