Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:
It’s as if wrote Ate’s letter myself. I have the same problems.
Like her, I am the eldest. I am left to discipline my younger siblings. I’m quite annoyed with my parents that they don’t have the guts to discipline them, and would pass that responsibility to me.
My mom would say, “Pagsabihan mo nga ‘yan, sa’yo lang naman nakikinig ‘yan (Go tell her! She listens only to you), or “Hayaan mo na, ganyan na talaga ugali niyan wala na tayong magagawa (Let’s just ignore her. That is just her personality and there’s nothing we can do about it).” She never just ignored me. Sometimes she slapped me, even drawing blood.
I also tried communicating with my dad about it before. The most recent one is just earlier this year. My dad told me that my sister stole money from him when he was asleep. Sometimes she also took the car out without permission (and also drained the gasoline).
I would ask, “Pinagalitan ‘nyo na? (Have you scolded her already?)”
He’d reply, “Ayaw ng mommy mo pagalitan, baka raw maglayas, baliw talaga yung mommy mo. Sa akin pa nagagalit kasi pinagbibintangan ko raw siya, pero siya naman talaga gumawa nun (Your mom doesn’t want me to scold her. She might run away from home. Your mom is really crazy. She gets mad at me because I blame your sister but your sister is really the one who did all this).”
For context, my middle sister is my mom’s favorite child (she said it herself to me, several times). Whenever my dad scolded her before, my mom would weirdly scold me as well. She’d say “Ikaw na lang laging tama sa daddy mo (In the eyes of your father, you are the only one who is correct. Always).”
But I literally am out of the picture. It would be about my sister’s grades or her getting in a fight in school or with the neighbors, but somehow, I’d get scolded too? HELP!!
– FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER
Dear Frustrated Daughter (FD),
Thank you for your email.
There seem to be two issues involved here: parentification and triangulation.
Parentification occurs when parents delegate to their children responsibilities that are age inappropriate and rightfully belong to the parents. The parental role is to provide for the physical (food, lodging, education etc.) and emotional needs of their children, enabling them to mature into fully fledged adults. It take two forms: instrumental (such as household finances, family discipline, shopping, cooking) and emotional (identifying and supporting parental needs). The consequences of parentification can sometimes involve attachment issues and the need for therapy. For more, see for example.
Triangulation, on the other hand, occurs when the direct relationship between two people is subject to the intermediation of a third party. This can be benign and indeed beneficial, as in the case of a therapist conducting couples counseling, or not, when for example warring parents insist on communicating only through their children.
Your case, FD, involves both these.
In our previous column which you cited above, I suggested that few parents take kindly to receiving advice on child rearing from their own children. In this instance, it seems that your parents’ predilection for favoritism and incapacity for appropriate disciplining have created a situation where they rely on you to keep order while simultaneously blaming you in part or whole for the disorder.
While parenting of this ilk is both irresponsible and illogical, you are not in a position to rectify their mistakes. Your only recourse, while still living at home, is to foster the best relationship you can with your siblings while trying to avoid anything more than being scolded by your parents. I leave it to Dr Holmes to address some deeper issues.
Best wishes,
JAF Baer
Dear FD (Frustrated Daughter)
Thank you very much for your letter. Mr Baer is right: you are an example of a child who has been both parentified and triangulated. The difference is that while all triangulated children are parentified (in that parents want their parentified child to smooth over the cracks in their marriage which is something they, as husband and wife, should take care of themselves), not all parentified children are triangulated. Being triangulated can be much more difficult to deal with.
Sometimes it is obvious because it is voluntary, like when a therapist is “triangulated” with everyone’s knowledge and consent, with the common hope that this will improve the marriage of the two spouses. However, more often than not, the triangulated person is not a therapist but a child who has neither the education, training, nor skills of a mental health professional. This sort of triangulation is far more insidious because usually no one realizes what is happening. With no knowledge, one cannot protect him/herself from its more insidious effects.
Parents who triangulate do not have the capacity to analyze themselves or their spouses objectively. They do not seem to have the interest in providing their children the best environment in which to grow. Sometimes, merely from being unaware of the impact they have, such parents affect their child’s future as well as their child’s present life.
I am sorry that your situation is a double-whammy. Not only are you triangulated in that each parent expects you to pass on messages to the other but you are also resented by your mother and are expected to demonize her by your dad.
It is difficult enough for any child to be triangulated by passing on messages because yes, in typical “shoot the messenger” fashion, the messenger is often shot – though happily, not literally.
However it is more difficult to be deeply resented, as well as triangulated – especially to the extent your mother feels: beating and slapping you, scolding you simply because your sister got scolded by your dad, telling you her middle daughter is her favorite (in other words, NOT you).
It seems like the major reason for her resentment is your Dad’s feelings towards you, mirrored when she says things like: “Ikaw na lang laging tama sa daddy mo.”
We haven’t discussed your Dad’s behavior and already this column is too long (though hopefully not tedious).
If you write me again or, better yet, if others can share how they feel triangulated by their parents, especially by their fathers (who usually triangulate differently), we can have a more nuanced, more richly textured answer.
Dearest FP, this of course does not “solve” your problem, but hopefully, by seeing your experiences in a wider context, it might alleviate some of the pain and frustration you are going through. You understand your family more now, so you can protect yourself – if only by setting clearer boundaries for yourself.
Hopefully, there will come a time when you can say “lalalalalalala, “Not my clowns, not my circus” alas, yes, even if you have to pay the entrance fee of being a reluctant part of it.
Hoping for the very best for you,
MG Holmes – Rappler.com
