DEAR DEIDRE: SEX only happens if my wife can fit it into her weekly schedule.
I’m 40 and my wife is 45. We’ve been married for 11 years but have been together for 20.
We’re both career driven but my wife has always put her career before everything.
She didn’t even have a long maternity leave when she had both of our children.
I’ve always known work is very important to her but now it seems there is no room for anything else.
Once we enjoyed a spontaneous and fun life but now every little thing has to be plotted.
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Last week, we’d scheduled morning sex on the weekend until my wife pointed out we’d also agreed to go on a long hike together for the day.
She made me choose one or the other as apparently there wasn’t enough time in the day for both.
I ended up choosing the hike because the conversation put me off sex.
I’ve now begun to feel that making love has become a chore.
I’ve tried initiating sex spontaneously but my wife just gets angry.
We’ve always had different libidos but it’s never impacted our sex life so badly.
Our home life feels more like an office and I feel like I’m constantly being organised.
I’ve never felt so rejected and I’m desperate to regain our intimacy. Can I change this?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Your wife may be scheduling everything, including sex, because she feels overwhelmed with all her responsibilities.
Of course plotting your whole life in this way won’t make you feel special or cherished in life.
Pick a moment to speak to her and say you want things to change, explain how this is making you feel.
Ask her if you can come up with a better division of labour to help, or are there areas of your life that you need to rethink?
Suggest scheduling intimacy rather than sex.
Outline there would be no pressure to have sex but simply spend quality time together.
So whether you go for a walk, watch a film, cook dinner together or perhaps have sex, you are making time for one another.
Explain that you feel rejected and that you feel like you’re living with a friend.
My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you both communicate better.
