Dear Neha: I don’t need and can’t afford full-time childcare, but I do need more support. What are my options?
First off, I’m so glad you’re asking about support. Too many women have absorbed the trope that success is doing as much as we can with as little help as possible, especially in motherhood. This issue has long been amplified by the high cost of childcare in the United States — and combine that with a side of guilt and trust issues, and there grow many barriers to getting the help you need.
Enter a new issue: flexible work. Don’t get me wrong, this is something that we’ve long advocated for to support parents to have more income opportunities that work alongside family life. The numbers are trending in a positive direction: In the U.S., women now hold a record 79 million jobs thanks to an increase in remote and part-time opportunities in our post-pandemic work re-examination. The risk we have to mitigate is that many women downshift work and then sign up to do more in the form of part-time work arrangements without part-time childcare.
This issue isn’t limited to women holding onto freelance or part-time work opportunities; it’s also the women stepping into chapters of stay-at-home motherhood (or career pauses for family life) who also deserve breaks for mental health, creative pursuits, and networking. Sadly, according to the American Mothers on Pause survey, almost 1 in 3 stay-at-home mothers have never had any assistance including family help.
So, no matter where you are in the equation of work and family life, the consistent first step has to be acknowledging your need and right for support and embracing the idea that in a two-parent household, investing in assistance should be a joint decision using the household income, not just your income alone. The decision to bring on help is not just about the mother’s needs, but about the whole family unit and how it can benefit. It isn’t just simply you as the mother asking for more help; it also assists your partner by reducing the stress in the home or distributing the load beyond the both of you. I myself was reluctant at first, and it took a couple of adult temper tantrums after long days with toddlers to realize that my whole family benefited from a more supported parent.
The good news: just like the vast gray area between the black-and-white ideas of full-time working out of the home and “stay-at-home” parenting, there is a vast gray area between full-time daycare or nannies and nothing at all. In my own ever-evolving experience, I’ve had a part-time in-office job, been fully at home with my kids and tinkering on a passion project, and eventually back to working part-time and ultimately full-time for myself. Over the years, my kids grew and our family dynamics shifted, too, so I’ve tapped myriad childcare and home care solutions, from a nanny-share (I took two days, and another family took three days), a mother’s helper, more structured support of grandparents and my husband, and currently, a regular after school babysitter.
Here’s what worked when looking for “non-traditional” or more flexible support. 1. Observing our family rhythms and auditing where we needed the most support. 2. Clearly outlining my needs particularly when hiring a Mother’s Helper for tasks like childcare, meal preparation, or household chores. 2. Understanding that each support arrangement was seasonal and we could re-evaluate (I think the start of a school year is always a good time!) 3. Searching widely by speaking about it openly. I sent an email to our personal network, asked for recommendations on the playground, and posted on local Facebook groups and babysitter boards like Care.com Urban Sitter to find the right caregiver.
Part-time paid childcare still comes at a cost, and for those looking for creative alternatives, the Mother Untitled community — made up of women navigating career breaks, freelance work, or entrepreneurial pursuits — has shared a treasure trove of out-of-the-box childcare solutions. My favorite was a group of neighborhood friends who traded date nights, where one mom went to “monitor-sit” for a family while the parents got a date night and the mom who was on babysitting duty got a night to herself in someone else’s house to watch Netflix or read solo.
Each idea, whether it’s swapping childcare duties with other mom friends, using gyms or community centers for drop-off hours, or organizing nanny shares, has proven that more options exist. Whether co-working with fellow parents, establishing a playgroup and sharing the cost of a local retired teacher, or occasionally embracing screen time for a breather. In some seasons, it’s more about outsourcing the “other stuff” to free up naps and night times — and grocery delivery, family meal delivery, or laundry services can go a long way and feel more attainable.
If none of those arrangements feel available to you, please lower the expectations in your household. When I went through seasons without paid help, my husband and I actively decided that clean up would be something we would do together after the kids went to bed. I leaned heavily on frozen foods and even left laundry in the basket instead of folding. And yes, the kids got an extra bit of strategic TV time during higher-stress periods (pre-bedtime!).
While I love to see and talk about the array of solutions that might be possible, I know it’s easier written than done — finding, creating, and investing time and money into systems to support you is hard. It adds to the existing immense work of modern parenthood. But we are all figuring it out together and I like to think by having these conversations and making the asks out loud, we normalize that motherhood is complicated and impactful on its own, professional and personal work alongside is demanding, and no one should have to do any of it 24/7 and without breaks or support.
Every Mother Works is a new monthly column by Mother Untitled founder and The Power Pause author Neha Ruch that examines — and reframes — the working mom v. stay-at-home-mom dynamic.
