We need more Minnie Driver and less murderous queers.
Unhinged Queen Elizabeth is finally here, thank God. Minnie Driver has added a new Elizabeth I portrayal to the pantheon, and it’s such a good one. All I can hope is that we see more and more of her and less and less of the Guise vs. Bourbon rivalry that no one cares about anymore. You all are just sniping at each other and not in a fun way.
Catherine’s plan to unite France is in grave peril due to the survival of those François tried to burn to death. Now the French Protestants are storming cathedrals, killing monks, and looting church treasure. They’re also calling Sister Edith a Protestant saint, which is not how sainthood works (she’s not dead yet!). Montmorency asks Sister Edith to back down from ordering her peasant army to tear down the monarchy, and she says she won’t stop unless the king prosecutes the Duke of Guise. Considering that he tried to burn her alive, that seems like a fair request. Sister Edith does seem a little off-kilter, though, and when Aabis thinks of taking her apprentice friend away from the Protestant encampment, Edith says that if Aabis does that, she will be punished. That’s cult behavior, ma’am.
Her Protestant army is causing all kinds of issues, including throwing a dirt clod at Anjou. I hate that he’s called “Anjou” when no one else in the family is called by their title, but they keep doing it, so I will follow suit. The dirt clod is a real problem, and Anjou’s proposed solution is to slit the throats of twelve randos to teach a lesson. Really, guy? Charles regards this approach as old-fashioned, which is one way to put it. Anjou responds that neither he nor his siblings have a job or any particular skill, and if the peasants don’t respect them, they must fear them. It’s all very “I’m an insecure budding dictator” talk.
Diane arrives at court and all of Catherine’s children love her, which is nice, and it seems like she has Anjou under control, but then he goes and acts like a damn psychopath again when faced with more peasants. Get it the fuck together, Anjou. Also, your blonde friend with the bowl cut is the best dressed of all of you, and I am interested in seeing more of their outfits.
In Italy, Rahima and Catherine are vibing. Or at least, Rahima is. Catherine is ready to leave immediately because Florence presented her with nothing but misery in her childhood. She’s there to meet with the House of Strozzi to secure a loan for this new palace she’s building, and after that, she wants to get back to France and stop her children from maiming each other. However, she meets a new man, and I was immediately like, “Ooo, so much chemistry,” which I was psyched about because of how terrible her chemistry is with Montmorency! I was excited! And then the House of Strozzi is like, we want the Duke of Florence, Alessandro de’ Medici, to manage the project, and it turns out he’s Catherine’s half-brother. As my notes say: Nooooooo! Noooooooooo!
Also, Alessandro de’ Medici technically died in 1537, but I don’t care! Maybe it will turn out that his real father was indeed the pope, and then he and Catherine can kiss and I won’t feel judged by society for being happy about it. Alessandro invites Catherine to see their father’s house, and Catherine delays her return. Also he’s wearing some really good poofy pants.
This week marks the return (finally) of Mary, Queen of Scots. Again, we experienced a time jump between seasons, so Mary has been imprisoned in England for eleven years. We see her again at the moment Elizabeth meets her for the first time. Elizabeth and Mary never met in person, so I am absolutely delighted that they bulldozed that historical reality in Elizabeth’s very first scene. She sweeps in to see Mary and the four Marys. She has an almost flighty, feather-brained demeanor that is a joy to behold. Very Lord Peter Wimsey or the Scarlet Pimpernel, mixed with a fairy godmother. But at the same time, when Mary claims to pose no threat to anyone, Elizabeth replies, “Oh, no, of course not. Apart from all those Protestants you had killed in France,” and then pulls a face. Fantastic.
Elizabeth gets all the information she needs about Catherine de’ Medici and then meets Throckmorton outside Mary’s cell. When he asks about Mary, Elizabeth flippantly says, “She’s made her bed. When the time’s right, I’ll cut her fucking head off.” YES! If you’ve read any of my other period recaps that feature Elizabeth, you know that I have no patience for Mary, Queen of Scots because she is an idiot. But I love a funny and competent monarch.
After speaking with the Queen of Navarre, Elizabeth invites one of the Bourbons over to England to decide on terms for the trade deal. As she mentions to Throckmorton, her plan is to fan the flames of religious unrest in France to make Catherine more desperate and give France an advantage in the trade deal. I mean, people will die, but monarchs are gonna monarch.
Regarding the final scene this week — did anyone run these scripts past a queer sensitivity reader? I’m assuming no? There’s a nice scene between Anjou and Diane where she talks about how Anjou wanted to wear dresses as a child, and Diane made sure he could, so … that’s good, I guess. But in the very same episode, we have this last scene where he and his friends are riding in the forest and come upon a group of Protestants. One of them calls him out for his “sinful” behavior and offers to baptize him again. Anjou agrees and walks with the man into the water, where he then strangles and drowns him.
We have now had queer people do murders three episodes in a row? That’s every episode so far this season! We have to think about things before we film them! You could say François burning all the people in the church doesn’t count because they magically survived, but he thought he was burning all the people in the church. I am very displeased about all this!
After this water murder, a boy throws a big rock at Hercule, and Hercule falls off his horse. Bowl Cut (remember them?) murders the boy, and now we have a bleeding Hercule with a head wound and Anjou, who just murdered someone in a really disturbing way. Why is everyone opposed to stabbing people on this show? Why is it always like, how can I very slowly and personally kill you?
Okay, so fix your queer murder problem and ramp up the scenes with Elizabeth in them. Those are my recommendations for this season, which has already been filmed and edited. Until next week!
