This satirical post was written by guest contributor Hashim Hounkpatin. Views expressed by contributors are solely those of individual contributors, and not necessarily those of PLOS.
Welcome to the chaotic world of organizing a global health conference, where the pursuit of funding and oligarchic power reign supreme, and the line between substance and spectacle blurs into oblivion.
As nothing is new under the sun, you need to rebrand a concept. Don’t forget to include plenty of buzzwords in your promotional materials, such as “sustainability,” “equity,” and “innovation.” The vaguer and loftier the language, the better.
Begin by choosing a luxurious, exotic location for the conference, preferably a tropical paradise or bustling metropolis. Remember, nothing says “global health” like a five-star resort with a view of the ocean. Yes, forget practicality; choose a venue that screams opulence. Obsess over every detail, from the thread count of the napkins to the extravagance of the chandeliers. You want participants to have the best experience ever. Because you care.
You need to select speakers. Focus less on expertise and more on status. Ensure your lineup includes a healthy dose of celebrities and influencers. Remember, it’s not about what they say; it’s about who they are. Make sure to invite a diverse panel of speakers, including a few token representatives from low- or middle-income countries to add some “authenticity” to the event. If you can. Anyways, as long as your speakers keep attendees happy and clapping, everybody will forget that the lack of diversity in speakers and participants would lead to a narrow range of perspectives and solutions being presented.
Low and middle income countries’ attendance is limited by systemic barriers including high travel costs, visa restrictions and lower acceptance rates. Here, you will not make the statistics lie. Your conference will be one of the 96% that happen in global north, but will probably be about global south problems. If those we carefully selected do not get visas or cannot afford to come, we will do the deliberations for them. Anyways that will not change much if they were around.
No money, no conference. You will need to sell a little bit of your soul to corporate sponsors to support the venue and extras of your conference. This may mean you have to give them influence over shaping the agenda and priorities of the conference, but it’s ok. It is for the common good. Plus, you now have branded merchandise and endless swag for attendees that they get to bring back home!
An agenda is a declaration of power, influence, inclusion, and exclusion. Much can be inferred from its content; the conference venue, hours, facilitators, presentations, and keynotes are all tools used to shape knowledge production and access. And you will use your power over the agenda common good.
Pack your agenda with endless panel discussions, each more niche than the last. Who cares if anyone understands what’s being discussed, or if it is a repackaging of same old stories? If it looks impressive on paper, that’s all that matters.
Networking events are the heart and soul of any conference. Spare no expense on lavish galas and cocktail parties. Just remember, the more selfies posted, the better your conference looks on social media. Remember to serve gourmet, organic meals at the conference, because, again, nothing says “global health” like indulging in expensive, ethically-sourced food while discussing poverty and disease.When discussing global health issues, be sure to focus on the problems of “others” rather than acknowledging the role that Western countries and institutions play in perpetuating inequalities and health disparities.
As the conference draws to a close, reflect on the absurdity of it all. Despite the chaos and superficiality, remember to repeat your values loudly and boldly. Equity, justice, solidarity, et al.—repeat them enough, and they might just become the accepted truth, regardless of reality.
Make sure to end the conference with an exciting but vague call to action, urging attendees to “make a difference” and “change the world,” without providing any concrete steps or solutions. Launch a product that you will communicate about till next conference. Because there will be a next conference (the issue at stake will not disappear overnight, and that’s how you exist anyway), where you will probably say the same things you just said. You can call it a roadmap, a call to action, or whatever.
And finally, don’t forget to pat yourselves on the back for organizing such a meaningful and impactful event, all while perpetuating the same power dynamics and inequalities that you claim to be working to address.
About the Author:
The post How to organize a global health conference: a satirical guide appeared first on Speaking of Medicine and Health.
