Every four years, the Summer Olympics showcase the heights (and speeds! and lengths!) of human athletic achievement. Also on display every four years is my disillusionment that I could adequately perform some of the Olympic summer events. I am humble enough to know I cannot do a back handspring and that the hoisting-you-up-in-the-air thing that happens in Rugby would give me an atomic cameltoe I wouldn't be able to recover from. But I'd be lying if I said I don't quietly think to myself, You love the beach, you’d surely dive 7 feet across the sand to make a save, whenever I watch beach volleyball. Because, while the Olympics are about celebrating the world’s great athletes, they are also about us normal couch-sitters feeling a fire in our bellies, an ahistorical belief that if our parents hadn't let us quit the swim team we, too, might be on that medal podium. So without further ado, here is my ranking of Olympic events I think I could actually compete in, if the weather conditions were perfect, I wasn’t feeling bloated, I got my raging ADHD under control, and my entire country was cheering me on. 9. Uneven Bars I am smart enough to know I can’t flip upside down from standing on the ground. But give me some literal leverage and then let’s talk. Most of the events I believe I have a chance of mastering involve getting into a flow state. I know I have terrible reflexes, but put on the right soundtrack and slip me into a bedazzled bodysuit and I'm pretty confident I'd be twirling around those 2 bars like it's second nature. 8. Tennis If you asked me six months ago if there was a chance I could compete in tennis, the answer would have been, "Of course not." However... I have since seen Challengers and I think the psychosexual tension created by a threesome has the power to motivate me to win a gold. The only training I need would come from finding my own Patrick Zweig. 7. Pole Vaulting Sometimes when I'm hiking (almost never) and I find a big walking stick (rarest event on planet Earth), I use it to bounce up the mountain, spryly hopping from boulder to boulder. And in those (wildly seldom) moments, I feel I'm correctly embodying the spirit of pole vaulting. If I can successfully train to do 100 push-ups (likely physically impossible for me), the flow state these vaulters enter into feels achievable. 6. Archery Archery reminds me of bowling, in that the average person is capable of recreationally mastering it. Sure, the times I've bowled a strike or hit a bullseye were mostly due to luck, but I have bowled a strike or hit a bullseye a number of times. I don’t want to be accused of doping, but up my Vysane dosage just a smidge and let me get to work. 5. Equestrian Real talk?* The horse is doing 99% of the work in these events. All I'd have to do is wear a snooty prep school riding outfit and some stylish riding boots. Get me on a winning horse and I will ride it to victory. *Please disregard that this entire piece is literally "un-real" disillusionment. 4. Breaking The official Olympics website says breakdancing is judged on “creativity, personality, technique, variety, performativity and musicality.” I can guarantee five out of six of those in a performance. Technique is the only one I’m a little shaky on, considering I can’t even do crow pose in yoga. But performativity? Personality? Creativity, musicality, and variety?? Baby, I was on…
