Having a productive argument doesn’t mean that you win or that you’re right.Finding the words to express that you feel hurt or wronged can be really challenging — even for the best communicators among us. Arguments happen — and they should happen, according to experts. Arguing fairly and effectively can actually help you feel happier and safer, and bring intimacy and depth to all types of relationships.
There are definitely better and worse ways to argue, and certain phrases or behaviours can make an ordinarily chill conversation spiral into emotional upheaval.
That’s why we — Raj Punjabi and Noah Michelson, the hosts of HuffPost’s “Am I Doing It Wrong?” podcast ― tapped Adriana Alejandre, a trauma therapist, to find out what these triggers often are and how to avoid them at all costs.
Listen to the full episode by pressing play:
Of course, we found that both of us had either experienced them or inflicted them on others.
We explored what respectful conflict resolution looks like and zeroed in on three “tactics” that Alejandre strongly suggests we remove from our arguing arsenals.
In the therapy space, Alejandre says, these types of generalisations (think “You always do this” or “you never do that”) are called cognitive distortions or cognitive patterns.
“There’s catastrophising, there’s minimising, there’s ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking,” she said. “I don’t think all of these cognitive patterns are helpful, because when you minimise somebody else … you are just bringing along other problems that are unrelated to the problem that you started off with.”
“Don’t bring something up when you are in full upset,” Alejandre said. “I think that there has to be some individual defusing that you do [first]. For some people, that could be something physical like exercise or yoga. For others, it’s journaling.”
These practices can help us process the conflict and gain clarity on what we ultimately want — versus unloading all our emotions on someone with no goal in mind. “Those reflections go a long way,” she added.
“In my work as a therapist, I haven’t seen this be effective. It just tends to incite – it’s like adding fuel to the fire,” said Alejandre, who admits that even she often feels tempted to bring “evidence” to an argument.
However, it’s actually not helpful, she noted, because having a productive argument doesn’t mean that you win or that you’re right.
“When you’re in the middle of it, you have to ask yourself, ’What is the goal here? What is it that we need? What is it that this needs?’”
By avoiding these three manoeuvres when we’re arguing, we’re more likely to stay focused on the issue at hand and reach a productive conclusion. There’s also less of a chance that the person we’re arguing with will feel attacked, which can also derail the conversation.
Alejandre also told us about the physical effects that arguing can have on our bodies, why she suggests never arguing over text, and much more.
Listen to the full episode above or wherever you get your podcasts.
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