I repeat my name slowly. Why can't they do the same?
Dear Eric: I’m a boomer working in an office environment.
When new people are hired, they are often from different backgrounds with names I’ve never heard of. When introduced, I don’t know the name or can’t remember how it’s pronounced.
As a first-generation immigrant, my last name is also different. Whenever I meet people for the first time, I slowly pronounce it and often spell it out and pronounce it again to make it understandable.
Why do people assume others will understand their unusual names and not make any attempt to clarify them further?
Any suggestions on how to politely ask them to do something similar to what I try to do?
– Name Games
Dear Name: People’s so-called unusual names are often not so unusual to them. And who’s to say what any given person they meet is familiar with.
When you don’t understand a person’s last name, ask them to help you. “I want to make sure I get your name right; can you spell it for me?”
You’re taking an extra step by clarifying your name for folks; others may not feel compelled to do the same because it can make them feel, well, unusual.
Dear Eric: My grandchildren, ages 10 and 14, have not been to a dentist since long before COVID.
I have brought up the subject with their mother and she agrees they need to see a dentist, but it has not happened.
Their mother and father have excellent teeth and the children have inherited this, but I do worry about them.
I have an excellent relationship with my daughter and try not to interfere in her parenting. I have offered to take them to the dentist myself, but she has declined.
The younger one comes to my house before school every day so at least she brushes her teeth once a day. Should I just stay silent and let the children suffer the consequences?
– Concerned Grandma
Dear Grandma: Make one last direct ask to your daughter and then let it be.
Tell her that you have major concerns and ask if there’s something getting in the way that you can help her with.
You can make your case if you want – the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry recommends a checkup every six months. They also note that a child’s dentist can tailor the frequency of visits based on a child’s specific needs. Your daughter can’t know what those needs are without seeing a professional.
Take advantage of your excellent relationship by prying and pushing a little more, but if she resists, tell her you’re going to drop the subject. Then really do drop the subject.
To needlessly butcher an old saying – you can lead a person to dental insurance, but you can’t make them floss.
Dear Eric: I’m in my early 20s and just ended a five-year relationship with my boyfriend. I find myself really conflicted about whether to move back to the state I grew up in or stay where I am for another year.
I work remotely for a company based there, and I’d be able to work in person after moving. All my close friends and family are back there.
The only reason I originally moved to where I am now is because of my ex — but there’s something holding me back from just packing up and leaving.
Part of it is that my current place is on the coast. I love the water and how green it is. The lifestyle, while more expensive than back home, really agrees with me.
I’ve also worked really hard over the past two years I’ve been here to build a life for myself. I’m actively involved in the local community and have some new friends, but I really long for my friends and family too.
Do you have any advice on how to decide between two places?
– Two Homes
Dear Homes: I’ve felt the push-pull of deciding between a place of origin and a new home. In fact, my last book of essays, “Congratulations, the Best Is Over!” followed the journey of moving back home after decades away.
Here’s what I learned: When you move to a new place and start your life over, you change a lot, you learn a lot about yourself, and you become more at home in your skin.
Should you choose to move back home, you’ll be bringing all that new knowledge back with you. This could be a perfect time to reset.
Go back home and visit with the intention of moving. Really pay attention to what it would feel like to be a new person in this welcoming old space. You may find that you’ve outgrown your original home and the longing you feel is just nostalgia. But for now, listen to the longing and see what’s underneath.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
