Plus: My boyfriend's parents have stringent expectations of me.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a mother of two teenage daughters, ages 14 and 16, and their constant fighting is driving me insane.
It seems like every day there’s a new argument, whether it’s about sharing clothes, using the bathroom or even the smallest things, such as who gets to sit in the front seat of the car.
I’ve tried talking to them individually, having family meetings and setting up rules and schedules to minimize conflicts, but nothing seems to work. The tension in our home is palpable, and I worry that these constant arguments are damaging their relationship beyond repair.
I’m hoping this is just a phase and one day they can work through their issues. I want them to grow up to be close sisters who support each other, but right now, that feels like an impossible dream.
How can I help my daughters stop fighting and create a more peaceful and loving relationship between them?
— Teen Wars
DEAR TEEN WARS: Do you have two relatives or friends who might be able to take your girls — separately — for a few weeks this summer? Or can you enroll them in two different summer programs?
They need time away from each other where they can discover themselves independently. Even better, if they grow to miss each other, that may spark kindness when they return.
Find out, too, if you can enroll them in different schools. Being separated should serve as a balm as they grow up, at least for a certain period of time.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the past three years, and we are now talking about marriage.
However, there is an issue that I am struggling with: He belongs to a religion that requires me to convert if we are to marry.
I love him deeply and can see us spending the rest of our lives together, but I am not comfortable with the idea of converting to his religion. My faith and beliefs are important to me, and the thought of changing them for marriage feels wrong.
He understands my reservations but says that his family and religious community would not accept our marriage if I didn’t convert.
We have discussed this at length, and while he is empathetic, he feels a strong obligation to his faith and family. His parents are very traditional and have made it clear that they expect his future wife to share their religious beliefs.
I feel torn between my love for him and my own beliefs. Is it possible to find a compromise that respects both of our faiths?
— Conversion
DEAR CONVERSION: It is true that some religions require a spouse to convert to the faith in order to be accepted into the family.
Sometimes people break from that tradition, but it often means that the family disassociates from the couple. This will work only if your husband-to-be is willing to cut that tie. So far, he is not.
You can tell him about couples who have enjoyed their lives without making that choice; there are many. However, you must make the agreement together and be willing to suffer the consequences.
If your guy can’t do that, it’s time for you to go.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
