Summer does not exist without a boat. Those who go to the mountains think they are on summer vacation, but they are actually just extending a very long Christmas vacation. Summer requires sun, sea, beach, and boat. Ideally, you would have a friend with a boat, to avoid having to take care of it yourself, but if you have already fallen into the trap of being “the boat guy,” I am going to give you some tips on how to prepare the boat for the summer.
The best advice, however, is to stock it with coolers full of ice and beer. This may not help to oil the engine or clean the filters, but I assure you that no boat will run badly in summer if it carries enough bottles of cold beer and bikini-clad girls on board.
To start the summer off right, I guess you should replace the anodes, for which you need to know what the hell anodes are and where they live. Also called sacrificial anodes, it is a small metal thing that you’ve never heard of attached to the hull. Its function is to corrode, through some electrical phenomenon that I am unable to explain, to avoid the corrosion of the rest of the metals on the boat. In a way, an anode is like a president’s advisor: Its function is to corrode so that the president does not.
This is done by attaching the extraction pump tube coming out of the bottom of the crankcase to a variable-length hose. Since you don’t know what the extraction pump is or where the bottom, or top, of the crankcase is, and you don’t have a variable-length hose (obscenities aside), forget about checking the oil. It’s a boat, not a damn salad.
Like all motorized machines, boats have valves. It’s very important that you take a close look at them when tuning up for your first day of summer boating. You don’t need to touch anything. If you keep an eye on the valves, they won’t fail, if you don’t, they will. Don’t try to figure it out.
The propeller is a set of fins that rotate around an axis, pretty much like the journalists of the synchronized opinion team rotate around Biden. The idea is that, as it turns, unlike Biden, the ship should move forward, if possible, towards a safe harbor. For optimal navigation, the propeller must be in one piece, submerged underwater, and free of any entangled human corpses.
Sails make sailing possible when the propeller is not working, or when you have forgotten it at home. The problem is that sailing with a propeller is leisurely and restful while sailing with a sail is sporty and tiring. I hate sailboats, it’s a kind of nostalgia for the old piracy. If cars run on motors and not sails, why the hell do we use sails to sail in 2024?
The best way to keep the boat always clean is to sell the boat and buy a submarine.
Finally, check carefully that you carry life jackets, fire extinguishers, a first aid kit, a last aid devotional book, fireworks, a Titanic-sized horn, and whiskey. Life jackets, fire extinguishers, first aid kit, devotional book, fireworks, and the horn are optional.
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