Narcissists and otherwise manipulative, toxic people can be of any gender, and female narcissists and psychopaths certainly exist. However, women in general tend to be more socialized to seek out romantic relationships at the expense of their own well-being, taught to value relationship status over their own mental health, which is why they usually need to deprogram harmful beliefs before pursuing a healthy partner. Women in the dating world who seek relationships are also often told to settle for less. What they aren’t told is the overwhelming research that indicates that being in toxic relationships and marriages does not benefit them and that they would be better off single than settling. Studies indicate that women tend to fare worse in marriage than men likely due to societal expectations and more emotional and domestic labor being thrust upon them. That is why it is more important than ever to be selective in your choice of a long-term partner, whether it’s a boyfriend or husband. Here are five high-quality traits you should look for in a partner if you do eventually want to settle down but aren’t interested in settling for a toxic relationship.
Empathy, respect, and consideration for your needs that goes above and beyond and is present even in times of conflict. A healthy boyfriend will encourage you to speak up for yourself and respect you when you do, attentively taking into consideration your boundaries and desires – a toxic one will retaliate and silence you, often doubling down and trampling on the very boundaries you’ve set. If he is unable to respect you as a human being even when he is angry with you or when he disagrees with your perspective, and abruptly changes his entire personality based on whether or not you’re serving his interests, this is not a partner you want long-term in your life. You don’t want to be stuck with someone who rages and lashes out or punishes you for expressing yourself or being open about your needs. A boyfriend or husband who is able to look at conflict with emotional maturity and approach feedback with a healthy mindset, one where he considers where he could also improve, and listens mindfully to your concerns, is a person that could be a healthy life partner so long as this behavior carries on long-term. Don’t settle for a partner who thinks you’re needy just for having basic needs and emotions, or tries to make you settle for crumbs and the bare minimum just to maintain the relationship.
Genuine generosity long-term in many different ways. A man who exhibits genuine generosity is someone who is generous in the time, effort, attention, affection, and the romantic gestures he exhibits toward you – not from a place of resentment or obligation or in feeling entitled to get something back, but from a loving desire to see you happy because he truly cares for you. They have a natural “provider” mentality – not because they don’t think you can’t do it on your own, but because they’re your biggest cheerleader. A man who genuinely loves you would never want to see you burdened and is aware of the social inequalities and violence in the world that overwhelm women already. This is why, in the best relationships, you’ll often see women being cared for and catered to by a man who appears to love a woman just a bit more than she loves him, even though she loves him and honors him deeply as well. This is the type of loving and caring man who lavishes her not just with romantic dates but with tremendous attentiveness to her needs and desires. He is affectionate way beyond the honeymoon stage and he never stops seeing her as the apple of his eye. He goes out of his way to make life easier for her. Women are often unfairly labeled as gold-diggers when they want a “generous” man with a provider mentality, but this goes way beyond any materialistic reasoning. Men who are initially stingy with their money also tend to be stingy with their emotions and effort. High-quality men love to be generous in many different ways toward the women they love long-term, so it’s important to avoid dating partners who start out with low effort in the beginning, or partners who only love bomb you with short-lived gestures, only to revert back to a sense of entitlement or resentment toward you.
Appreciation of your irreplaceability. Men who try to make their girlfriends jealous on purpose are not usually emotionally mature men. Many of them are actually quite narcissistic, according to research, and they provoke jealousy on purpose to gain power and control, exact revenge, test the relationship, or in some cases, to compensate for their own insecurity. Whether they have a wandering eye on social media, in real life settings, or just have a general need to always talk about their exes, be mindful of the red flags and stay wary of manufactured love triangles. Your future boyfriend and husband should only have eyes for you and appreciate your multifacetedness. They should honor all the traits and assets that make you uniquely you, treasuring your beauty, intelligence, sense of humor, achievements, and special charm on a daily basis. They should express this appreciation not only with words, but with actions. A good boyfriend or husband will distance themselves from people and situations you’re not comfortable with – a toxic one will go out of their ways to find ways to emotionally or physically cheat.
The ability to emotionally validate and come up with constructive, healthy solutions. Dating someone who is only a problem-solver and who is not emotionally validating will not feel nourishing to you. You want a boyfriend or husband who can understand your emotions and validate them, not just someone who tries to overanalyze whether you are “right” or “wrong” in feeling the way you do. For example, you don’t want a boyfriend who always tells you that you’re being too oversensitive when you’re expressing an issue you had with a friend, or who neglects you during a health crisis. You want a healthy boyfriend who goes out of their way to make things easier for you, like driving you to your doctor’s appointment when you’re too anxious to go, or giving you support in addition to validating advice on how to navigate conflict. Many toxic people will hypercriticize your emotions or pathologize them because your emotions give you access to the path that will make you feel most empowered, and they want to escape accountability for how you feel about them when they trespass your boundaries as well. When you’re angry and upset, there’s often a reason behind that. A boyfriend who is both emotionally validating and problem-solving will not only suggest solutions, he will often create one, and give you gentle guidance and nurturing in times of distress.
An interest in your dreams and your interests. Your best boyfriend will inspire you to chase after your dreams, co-partner with you in building your dream life and become the highest version of yourself. Men who claim they don’t care about a woman’s accomplishments are toxic and misogynistic. They’re scared of being emasculated and surpassed by high-achieving women. Do you really want a partner like that long-term? He will not support you once you have interests outside of him and the relationship. He will be envious of what you accomplish and will try to sabotage you when he sees you’re growing independent. A high-quality man will cheer you on when you succeed and go out of his way to support you – whether it’s encouraging you before an exam or giving you flowers after a promotion. A toxic man, on the other hand, will be your biggest low-key hater and try to deflate and “humble” you whenever you dare to show healthy pride in youself. Think very carefully about how a potential partner treats your dreams, goals, and aspirations. It represents how much he will respect you throughout the relationship.
