Chess is a game that is all about strategy, and one can’t help but notice that many of the same manipulation tactics narcissists play is all about strategy and mirrors some of the same strategies used in chess. Here are four psychologically manipulative tactics narcissistic people use in dating and relationships that can be compared to “mental chess,” that empathic people never engage in, according to a researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy.
In chess, you often try to lure in your opponent with “decoys,” your less valuable pieces like pawns first so you can move forward on the board without them noticing and try to “check” their king, keeping the true nature of your final aims concealed while you protect more valuable pieces like the queen or the knight, saving them from also being captured or only used when necessary so they can also play a role in your eventual win. Narcissistic people often use manipulation tactics like love bombing (showering on excessive flattery, contact, attention, praise) and future-faking (promising marriage, a family, an ideal relationship and making hints at a shared future together) to keep you hooked and distracted as they fast-forward the relationship and intimacy in ways that make you invested in them early on. They essentially take your guard down, much like an opponent capturing your knights early on in the game so you are left more defenseless. You become so focused and centered on them and on maintaining this fairytale relationship you do not realize what they are really up to. They sacrifice the “less valuable” parts of themselves in the beginning to lure you as a decoy – perhaps they take you on romantic dates or treat you to grand romantic gestures, spend considerable energy contacting you as often as possible so you get accustomed to them and to manufacture a sense of false, premature intimacy – but these are all actually small “gifts” compared to what they actually expect from you and take from you in the long run.
By the time you’ve figured out their true character and what they actually want from you (e.g. sex, a trophy wife or husband, someone to financially support them or raise their kids) they’ve already sped right across the figurative board and kept all their truly valuable “assets” to themselves while leeching off yours – whether it be your time, energy, emotional or domestic labor, money, or all of the above. At the end of the game, they’ve captured your most valuable pieces, and you’ve made way too many sacrifices “moving across the board” in an attempt to get the fairytale relationship you invested in. Don’t fall prey to the “sunk cost fallacy” when it comes to dating a narcissist. Even if they’ve “captured” you in the beginning, that doesn’t mean a second game has to proceed.
In chess or in any board game, one key strategy can be to fool your opponent into thinking you want one thing, when you’re actually after another so you can obtain that goal more easily while they’re distracted. For example, you might make your opponent think you’re after their knight, so they spend more time and energy trying to defend their knight, not noticing that another one of your pieces has already become dangerously close to your king, the most valuable piece. A narcissist can do this more explicitly by misrepresenting their true intentions by telling you they plan to marry you and have an ideal future with you, all while their real agenda is different – for example, perhaps gaining access to your savings and home. More covertly, however, narcissistic people disarm your potential defensive tactics by keeping your mental resources focused on all the wrong things. When you’re dating them or in any kind of relationship with them, they keep you so focused on defending yourself that you ultimately forget to protect yourself and detach. Imagine that a narcissistic dating partner first “negs” you subtly, trying to belittle you because they know you are out of their league in some way.
Or perhaps they try to make you jealous (jealousy induction is a favorite tool of theirs to gain power and control, test the relationship, compensate for insecurity or exact revenge, according to research) or instigate crazymaking arguments or chaos. You might then spend time trying to gain their approval and validation, rather than detaching from the relationship and setting healthy boundaries. You might feel compelled to compete over them, not recognizing that a healthy partner would never cause you to compare yourself to anyone else or compete. They can escalate these tactics over time, causing you to become so disoriented and trauma bonded that you’re left walking on eggshells. If you notice a narcissistic partner using these tactics, do not compete and do not compare yourself. Treat yourself as the “king” or “queen” piece in chess – your energy, your time, is the most valuable currency here, and it is best to reserve that energy into protecting and building yourself up.
Chess is also a game of sacrifices. You may make small sacrifices in the game to move up the board and capture your opponent’s king, but so can your opponent to capture yours. Narcissistic people may appear to “give up” certain things to momentarily placate you in dating and relationships, but you have to look at the actual value of what they’re supposedly sacrificing or giving to you. Is it genuine generosity, or something to keep you on the hook? For example, they may remind you of all the romantic dates they took you on early on in dating when you express concerns about the way they’re mistreating you or distancing themselves now. But since then, they have neglected you and you may have been putting in all the work, either emotionally or even financially supporting them. These occasional rewards or sacrifices are part of the intermittent reinforcement used to keep you invested in them even as they begin to withdraw or withhold their own time and energy. If you detect you’re in the midst of a manipulator, it’s important to keep yourself safe – you can misrepresent your own intentions and not give them access to your vulnerabilities as well.
When you can’t figure out the next best move in chess, sometimes it’s better to delay and make other less risky moves instead. You might move some pieces backwards in the board to stall or keep your pawns moving toward the board as less sacrificial lambs to protect the other pieces as you figure out your strategy. This stalling can also throw off your opponent. Narcissistic and psychopathic people in dating do the same. They can use what is known in the pick-up artist community as the “dread game” to keep you in a constant state of fear and uncertainty about the endgame of your relationship. Where once they love-bombed you with certain promises, now they become vague and more silent, withholding crucial information from you to try to keep the upper-hand. Or they may orchestrate “breaks” in dating to pursue other targets while leaving you in emotional limbo, building connections with others so they can have a back-up in case you decide to flee. This delay strategy, both in chess and in life, works to build their defenses against you should you try to hold them accountable. It’s important that if you realize you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you slow down as well. Take a break from their antics and fortify your own defenses so you can protect yourself. Sometimes the best “checkmate” you can have is moving on and leveling up.
