He’s probably the last person who still thinks R. Kelly’s sex crimes are funny.
It has been 25 years since The Slim Shady LP catapulted Eminem to superstardom, entrenching his bleached-blond bad-boy persona in the pop-culture canon. Moms got mad, pearls were clutched, and Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine laughed all the way to the bank. Over the years, Eminem has attempted to outgrow the alter ego that made him famous by quitting drugs and devoting himself to fatherhood. He also made a handful of awful albums, suggesting that without a character on which to dump all the sick shit floating around in his brain, Eminem just isn’t that interesting.
His latest album, The Death of Slim Shady (Coup de Grâce), purports to put the persona to rest, but in practice it feels like he’s just digging him up again for one more chance to incite and shock us with his depraved thoughts. Unfortunately for Slim, the world has changed. Even if Slim Shady is “just a character,” the rape jokes, fat-shaming, transphobia, and politically incorrect screeds don’t hit like they used to — and for many, they clearly never did — leaving Em looking less like an edgy provocateur and more like Steve Buscemi with a skateboard and a Music Band T-shirt.
Eminem remains a commercial force to be reckoned with and will likely debut at No. 1 on the charts yet again, but for a rapper obsessed with his legacy as a cutting lyricist, his writing here is more than a little embarrassing. Tired metaphors, boorish entendres, childish rape jokes — there’s even a bar that suggests he’s bragging about putting feces in a 15-year-old girl’s mouth. The fact that these lyrics come from the POV of a noxious character doesn’t make them any more palatable. In celebration of Eminem’s funeral rites for his toxic and trite alter ego, we’ve collected the top ten most exhausting lines from The Death of Slim Shady. Here’s to hoping he stays dead.
10. (three-way tie) “Bitch, I was in them trenches like them Columbine shooters” (“Lucifer”)
“Stickin’ a clip in the Uz’ that I’ve been itchin’ to use, lookin’ like Nikolas Cruz” (“Antichrist”)
“Kyle Rittenhouse, spittin’ rounds, the TEC shoots like …” (“Fuel”)
While some rappers idolize mafiosi or western gunslingers, Slim Shady’s heroes appear to be pasty losers with poor social skills and access to firearms. But the Rittenhouse reference is curious at least, since his enduring image is not of the deaths he caused but of the blubbering, hyperventilating crocodile tears he shed on the witness stand. Is this your king?!
9. “If I was to ask for Megan Thee Stallion if she would collab with me / Would I really have a shot at a feat?” (“Houdini”)
It’s truly baffling that anyone, anywhere finds humor in Megan Thee Stallion getting shot in the feet. She got shot and literally tried to walk it off! Yet people are desperate to make fun of her instead of the circus clown who attacked her and then tried to hide behind his kid in court.
Also, this double entendre is dumb as hell.
8. “What, did you drop dead in my lap? You call that head? / I suck my dick better than you do, haha” (“Antichrist”)
In another context, this line might actually be funny; imagine it delivered in a comic deadpan from reformed homophobe–cum–out queer rapper Tyler, the Creator. But coming from the mouth of rape-joke enthusiast Slim Shady, it’s just too much.
7. “But I can show you the ropes till you get the hang of it / Elephantiasis of the nuts, element.” (“Renaissance”)
Get it? His nuts are so big they hang really low!
6. “If your arms, legs, feet, and your hands are numb / You’ve fallen and you can’t get up / It’s a brand-new dance, this is my Chris anthem, I’m / Givin’ Chris Reeves his chrysanthemums.” (“Brand New Dance”)
Eminem has a long and storied history of beefing with Christopher Reeve. The actor famous for playing Superman in feature films later became an advocate for paralysis research after a devastating spinal injury suffered from falling off a horse left him paralyzed from the neck down. Eminem has mentioned him more than three dozen times in his music, and on The Death of Slim Shady, he admits he has had this particular song in the can for years. In perhaps the most shocking revelation in a career defined by them, he apparently thought releasing this wheelchair dance number — featuring a neighing horse for good measure — shortly after Reeve’s death would have been in poor taste. Thankfully, he came to his senses and released it now, along with the accusation that Reeve died on purpose to prevent him from releasing the song. Truly a class act.
5. “Next idiot ask me is getting his ass beat worse than Diddy did [redacted] / But on the real, though / She probably ran out the room with his fuckin’ dildo / He try to field-goal punt her, she said to chill / Now put it back in my ass and get the steel toe.” (“Antichrist”)
Most of Eminem’s go-to shock signifiers are so dated (Reeve, Kim Jong-il, Kurt Cobain) that the “Gen Z” nemeses he whines are trying to “cancel” him are unlikely to even recognize them all. Which is why this thinly veiled barb at Diddy’s ex Cassie — who accused Diddy of rape, battery, and various forms of abuse and was seen on a recently unearthed video being violently assaulted by the mogul — is so cowardly. He’s quick to jump on the bandwagon of Twitter comedians cracking jokes about Diddy’s alleged encounters with men but clearly wants no smoke with Cassie’s legal team, censoring her name from the track. Say it with your whole chest, bruh.
4. “In the coupe leaning back my seat / Bumpin’ R. Kelly’s favorite group, the Black Guy Pees.” (“Houdini”)
Eminem may be the last person who still thinks R. Kelly’s sex crimes are funny. Most of us sobered up when it was revealed that the girl he peed on in his infamous videotape was an actual child, or when he was convicted for trafficking women for sex, or when he “married” a 15-year-old Aaliyah. Somewhere, will.i.am is wondering how he got dragged into this.
3. “By the way, I think I just gave Skylar Gray Hepatitis A.” (“Evil”)
Pretty cool way to shout out your friend and frequent collaborator on a track, suggesting you’ve given them a virus that’s primarily transmitted by getting poop in your mouth. Or maybe it’s a nod to the 15-year-old actress with a similar name who appears in the television show that shares the track’s title?
2. “I’m like an R-A-P-E-R / Got so many S-As, S-As / Wait, he didn’t just spell the word “rapper” and leave out a P, did he?” (“Fuel”)
The rape “jokes” in older Eminem songs were tired the moment they were released, but with this nursery rhyme drivel he has somehow managed to achieve a new low. It makes one wonder whether no one ever told him that if you have to explain why the joke is funny, it’s not actually funny.
1. “It did start off light-hearted at first / But it feels like I’m targeted / Mind bogglin’ how my profit has skyrocketed, look what I pocketed.” (“Houdini”)
It’s the least explicit bar on this list but the most embarrassing. In the same breath, Marshall complains that he feels “targeted” and acknowledges just how profitable it is to say disgusting things that shock and offend people. He has always been this cynical, but playing the victim as he punches down at pretty much any and every marginalized group he can think of is Eminem at his most pathetic.
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