WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity.
“Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots at my Vice President Trump. I only killed Medicare.”
Indeed, Biden’s closest advisors confirmed that they conducted a lengthy analysis of what actions a president could take after the recent ruling in Trump v. United States. These include potentially sending SEAL Team 6 to assassinate a political opponent, using the CIA to dig up dirt on critics such as George Clooney, and taking shotgun in a car even when everyone knows you were not the first to call it.
Despite these options, and SEAL Team 6 being otherwise unaccounted for on Saturday, Biden continued to deny any involvement in the shooting but reiterated various times that even if he was involved, he is “immunotized,” “immobilitatized,” and “exert” from “persecution.”
“As a black woman, I know what it is like to be shot. It’s true, that happened to me,” said Biden. “But I would not do something so heinous to such an amazing man as Donald Trump. I prefer to beat him on the golf course, if I can find it.”
Biden ended the press conference by extending thanks to America’s closest ally, President Putin, for his continued support during these troubled times. He also reiterated his support for the Soviet Union, saying that lying dog-faced pony soldier Zelensky must be stopped at costs.
While Biden denied all involvement in the shooting, he did not deny sharing Trump’s security details with a recently released Alec Baldwin.
