Lotta news this week! Lotta stuff going on! Are we touching on it in this week’s column? Not especially. There was a time when trenchantly observed political commentary soothed one’s brain. That time is not now. Now is the time for taking refuge in absurdity. Circumstances now are nearly identical to the conditions that birthed Dada (looming fascism, ~18 months post a mass disabling and traumatizing global event, people keep making newer and weirder cars), and they suck. After a two-week hiatus, late-night TV seemed to understand the tone we all wanted. We don’t want real analysis of Biden, we want white Jesus and Black Jesus rapping. We want Hawk Tuah girl, apparently. Here are the dumbest, most brain-smoothing bits of late night this week.
5. Phish in an Elevator
Self-explanatory! Phish, Jimmy Fallon, and members of the Roots in an elevator, singing a dumb parody version of “Love in an Elevator” by Aerosmith. Every member of Phish is wearing a worse shirt than the last. Fallon does some impressive a cappella conducting. Trey Anastasio looks like he’s being held at gunpoint. No notes.
4. Whoopi Goldberg’s Mom Sounds Cool As Shit
Whoopi Goldberg went on Late Night to promote her newest memoir, which is mostly about her late brother and mother. This segment, in which she discusses her mother, is fascinating. It’s Quincy Jones levels of unbotheredness and candor. The story about her mom’s authentic British bowler hat? Adorable. The story about scattering her ashes in It’s a Small World? Fascinating. P.S.: Don’t scatter ashes at a Disney park. They have people watching for exactly that, and they vacuum that shit up so fast. RIP to a real one, Mama Goldberg.
3. Stephen Colbert Tries to Seduce Martha Stewart
Just offstage, you know Evie McGee-Colbert is taking off her earrings and getting ready to square up. This cooking segment with Martha Stewart, in honor of her Las Vegas restaurant’s second anniversary, is positively stanky with fuck vibes. Stephen Colbert puts the raspberries on his fingers, and Stewart eats one off his hand? Are you kidding me?! Then they neg each other through the rest of the segment. I’m not sure why they both lay it on so thick here — emphasis on the “lay.” But I’m watching.
2. After Midnight Loves Lamp
After Midnight is truly innovating in the “dumb games we make celebs play” space. In this clip, Colton Dunn and the Sklar brothers have to guess which antique lamp works. That’s it; that’s the entire game. It’s perfect. The participants really sell it too, waxing poetic about their lamp choices and pointing out the artificiality of Taylor Tomlinson’s intro. They hung a lampshade on the lamp game.
1. Do You Know What B.J. Novak’s Ear Looks Like?
I really thought After Midnight would have the dumbest game on late night this week, but then Andy Cohen and the demons of WWHL made Rashida Jones guess her former Office co-stars from extremely cropped pics of their ears, noses, and mouths. WWHL called the game “The Orifice,” but let’s be honest: It’s “Name That Hole.” What a thing to make someone do, and about a show she’s so much less affiliated with than Parks and Rec. I had trouble believing what I was seeing with this game, and that’s why it’s winning late night this week. It’s stunning — like blunt-force trauma.
