They’re arrogant.
They don’t like us very much.
It’s more or less okay to apply preconceived blanket statements to this country.
They think they’re cooler than we are.
Friends greet each other with a gesture that’s weirdly intimate.
More sex happening over there.
More dynamic food scene.
They have a cheese that’s somehow both liquid and solid at the same time.
Their economic system and overall societal structure are on the verge of a full collapse, and we’ve been waiting for a while now to say we told you so.
Unaware their cultural approach to drinking is referred to as “alcoholism.”
Unaware their cultural approach to race relations is referred to as “racism.”
Unaware that Emily in Paris is making fun of them.
Responsible for making the red beret popular.
Responsible for Timothée Chalamet.
Also, André the Giant.
Should take back Pepé le Pew.
They mispronounce—in a way that feels deliberately hysterical—the words charcuterie and Wi-Fi.
They mislabel—in a way that feels deliberately confounding—the words entrée and college.
Stole and ruined our idea of democracy.
Act like they invented the movies.
Act like they own the Olympics.
We’re traveling there this summer because of the unimaginable scene that will be the Paris Olympics.
Will probably beat us in basketball.
They somehow still believe the world revolves around them.
They somehow seem to think they own the idea of liberty.
Forget where the Statue of Liberty really belongs.
Still, we were counting on them to be the country that didn’t let the fascists back in.
Totally obsessed with us.
Are they still totally obsessed with us?
They’re difficult.
Wouldn’t exist without us.
Never listed among world’s top ten happiest nations for a reason.
Endure in spite of themselves.
I mean, of course, they’re cooler than we are.
They can be really romantic when they want to be.
They possess some kind of unique magic we’ve devoted more time than we’d like to admit trying to pinpoint.
We could use their validation right about now.
Actually, we could use the postcard dreamland image they still seem to hold about us, which we long ago stopped believing about ourselves. So our real question is: Are you still up?
More impressive monuments.
More paradoxes.
Just friends.
