Sex ed in the United States isn’t known for being consistent, comprehensive, or even accurate, so it’s hardly surprising that we turn to pop culture to help fill in the gaps. While depictions of sex in 21st century media have gotten more realistic and inclusive, these scenes once looked very different.
Take the trope of women faking orgasms, for example. Once a staple of TV shows and movies of the 1980s, 1990s, and early 2000s — including When Harry Met Sally, Seinfeld, and Sex and the City — the takeaway was that women’s orgasms are so complicated that it’s common for them to get bored during sex and pretend to have one. Though these scenes were played for laughs, they sent the message that sex was over when a man had an orgasm, and, in turn, that women’s sexual pleasure wasn’t a priority.
Over time, many people accepted the idea that men reliably get off from penis-in-vagina sex, while women are typically left unsatisfied as being “normal,” and adjusted their sexual expectations and obligations accordingly. Unfortunately, it’s also rooted in reality. Here’s what to know about the “orgasm gap,” including what’s causing it, and how to close it.
Though we can blame pop culture for perpetuating the expectation and acceptance that sex typically ends with men getting off and women left unsatisfied, there’s plenty of real-world data to back that up. Officially, this discrepancy in the frequency of orgasms cisgender men and women have from penis-in-vagina sex is known as the “orgasm gap.” Given that it’s possible to experience different types of sexual satisfaction even without an orgasm, some researchers and sex educators use the term “pleasure gap” instead.
But no matter what you call it, there’s no shortage of evidence. According to research conducted by Sexual Wellness Brand plusOne, men reach orgasm about 95% of the time, compared to only 67% of women. The same study found that 64% of women do something for their own sexual wellness once a week, or even less frequently than that. Roughly half of men (54%), on the other hand, do something for their sexual wellness twice a week or more.
Outside of research, this is something doctors like Felice Gersh, MD, board-certified OB-GYN, integrative gynecologist and member of the plusOne Wellness Collective, have discussed with patients in their practice. In her experience, the orgasm gap has two components: “Women achiev[ing] orgasms at a much lower rate, and engag[ing] in trying to have an orgasm at a much lower frequency.”
So much of what we take for granted and consider “normal” today is actually the byproduct of living in a deeply patriarchal society — a system rigged to benefit white, cisgender, heterosexual men — and the orgasm gap is no exception. This extends far beyond prioritizing men’s sexual pleasure over women’s during sex: starting with a lack of basic education about our own bodies.
“It’s shocking for me as an OB-GYN how many women do not understand their own anatomy,” Gersch says. “They don’t know what things are called, they don’t know where they’re located.”
This is hardly surprising given that according to data from plusOne, 56% of women surveyed said that they are embarrassed to talk to their doctor about sex; even more said they’re uncomfortable discussing sexual wellness tools. And it’s not just women: the same survey found that 45% of men are also embarrassed to talk about sex with their doctor.
But it’s not only embarrassment in the doctor’s office and the lack of adequate sex ed; the ongoing stigmatization of women’s bodies and sexuality has also prevented people from seeking out accurate information on their sex organs, and how they function.
“It’s really very mixed in terms of the level of awareness of how to even achieve an orgasm between males and females, based on anatomical, educational, societal, [and] sometimes religious taboos that may have come into play,” Gersh explains. “There’s a host of reasons why women may not engage in self pleasure as much, or seek out sexual relationships, and it all comes down to women having a lower quality of sexual life.”
The question of what “counts” as sex isn’t as straightforward as it may sound. For far too long, many people were under the impression that penis-in-vagina heterosexual intercourse was the only way to “officially” have sex, and have an orgasm with a partner. And according to Gersh, sex scenes in mainstream movies contribute to this mythology.
“Probably close to 100% [of these sex scenes] depict that women and men should orgasm simultaneously, and it’s always through having intercourse,” she says. “That is very unfortunate, because only a small percentage of women can actually achieve an orgasm through intercourse — and when they do, it’s usually because they’re also enhancing the experience with clitoral stimulation in some manner.”
More specifically, 18.4% of the women surveyed for a seminal 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy reported being able to have an orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex alone, while 36.6% said that they needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. While giving the clitoris some long-overdue attention is a step in the right direction, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach: the women in the study reported a wide range of preferences as far as the location, pressure, shape, and pattern of genital touching. That said, a consumer perception study from plusOne found that 97% of participants had an orgasm after four weeks of using a sexual wellness tool, and 91% felt more self-love.
When women are able to orgasm penis-in-vagina intercourse alone, it’s typically because sufficient pressure is placed on their clitoris to stimulate the nerve bundles it contains, Gersh says. “Many women are very disappointed because they have no clue why they’re not successful — like the women that they see faking orgasms in movies or on television — and why they don’t have the same sensation from intercourse that they think they’re supposed to have,” she explains.
Fortunately, there are ways to take sexual pleasure into your own hands. Here are a few strategies to consider, courtesy of Gersh:
Whether you’re flying solo, looking to add some clitoral stimulation to sex with a partner, or both, the right sexual wellness tool can make all the difference. Gersh recommends the rose arouser from plusOne for beginners, as well as those with more experience in the tool department.
“It’s perfect for women who would like to have better orgasmic function,” she says. “It fits into the hand ergonomically, and is designed with 10 settings so that women can experiment with different pressures and modalities.” In addition to self-pleasure, Gersh says that tools can also be used during penetrative intercourse, oral sex, or fingering to enhance the experience.
While there’s still work to be done to close the orgasm gap, the good news is that people are getting more comfortable with the idea of sexual wellness tools. For example, plusOne’s 2021 and 2023 proprietary studies found that while 34% of women purchased a sexual wellness tool for themself in 2021, 57% did so in 2023. Similarly, while 22% used a sexual wellness tool with a partner in 2021, that increased to 46% in 2023.
It’s hard to tell your partner how to make you orgasm if you don’t know yourself. According to Gersh, sexual wellness tools can help with this, too. “By using these wonderful little devices, women can also figure out what kind of touch they like, what area should be stroked, and how much pressure [should be used],” she says. “Then they can then tell their partner what works, what doesn’t, how to apply pressure, how the stroking could be mimicked, and so on.”
According to Gersh, when women are stressed, they may find it difficult to have an orgasm. “Even if you’re using a tool, if your mind is completely elsewhere, you’re worried about all kinds of things, and you can’t be in the moment, it’s not going to work,” she says. “I think every woman needs to find what works for her to lower stress — whether it’s mindfulness meditation, guided imagery, progressive relaxation, tapping, or acupuncture.”
Ideally, your OB-GYN would initiate a discussion on sexual wellness during an appointment, but if that doesn’t happen, Gersh encourages women to bring it up themselves. One way to do this is to ask questions during your exam — not only about problems, like pain during sex, but also things like what you can do to have better orgasms. “Make [the questions] really specific, rather than something too open-ended,” she advises.
Ultimately, Gersh wants you to have more satisfying, fulfilling sex — and your doctor should, too. “I want each woman to know that there is no absolute right or wrong in terms of [orgasm] quantity, frequency, or technique,” she says. “I want everyone to feel empowered to do what feels right for them at every stage of life. We should be true to ourselves, and give ourselves the joy, intimacy, and wellness that we deserve in the manner that we desire it, without ever feeling inhibited, anxious, or ashamed.”
