DEAR DEIDRE: When I caught my husband sexting other men, he admitted he had been questioning his sexuality but insisted he had now got it out of his system.
I chose to stay with him – because I thought it was a one-off.
But now I’ve discovered his array of hotel bookings and I can’t shake the worry that he may be secretly gay.
I’m 45, he’s 49 and we’ve been married for 15 years. We have two daughters together, one is 9 and the other is 12.
Last week, he accidentally left his phone downstairs before he went to bed and I saw notifications come through on his phone. They were from Grindr, a gay dating app.
I was so shocked I couldn’t help myself from looking and I discovered hundreds of explicit messages he’d been exchanging with various men.
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Throughout the entirety of our relationship not once had he mentioned that he was attracted to men, so I was completely taken aback.
The last thing I wanted was even more secrets in our relationship so I confronted him the next day. To say that he was mortified is an understatement.
He couldn’t stop apologising. He assured me that it was only online messages and I had nothing to worry about.
Wanting to work on our marriage I decided to believe him and forgave him.
Yet now I’ve discovered hotel bookings on our bank statement and I can’t help but think the worst.
If he’s lied about this, what else is he hiding from me?
I love him so much but I don’t know what to do.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s clear he is attracted to men as well as women, and perhaps he needs to explore that side of his sexuality more.
But he is in a relationship with you. Whether he’s straight, gay, or bisexual, cheating completely undermines your relationship.
Be honest with him and tell him what you found. Explain to him that for your relationship to move forward he needs to come completely clean.
You also deserve a proper explanation of what is happening because your trust has been shattered.
Our sexuality is a part of us – it isn’t someone you can ‘get out of your system’ and move on with.
Consider getting help together. You can find support via Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).
My support packs Bisexual Questions and Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help.
