Dear Emily,
I currently live in Seattle, and my boyfriend is moving to Las Vegas because the cost of living here has gotten too expensive. He quit a job he was miserable at last summer and since then has been constantly working three to five jobs, all while applying to full-time positions, just to stay afloat. It’s causing him a ton of stress, so he decided to move back home where all of his family lives (he has a big family, and they’ve always been his biggest support system so I do understand why that would be good for him).
We’ve decided to break up rather than go long distance because (a) neither of us really has the funds to visit each other often enough and (b) there’s no timeline on whether he would stay, move back, or otherwise (and I’m likely in Seattle for the foreseeable future).
The amount of work he’s been taking on and the stress it’s been causing him recently have all impacted the quality of the time we spend together (he’s often had to work Uber Eats late into the night multiple times a week). And while I would have loved to give my full support to him, I recently lost my job and my dog died, so life has been overwhelming for me as well. Not being able to fully show up for each other while not having enough time together to recalibrate has made the past few months feel like something just isn’t quite working (something we’ve both acknowledged).
We were together a little over a year, and it felt like we really had something special, especially as we put in so much work to support each other through hard times. It really hurts to know the only reason this is happening is because of this shitty economy and shitty job market. It feels so unfair for something that was going really well to just end for reasons beyond my control, and I’m struggling to figure out how to move forward.
Do I hold out hope that we could be together in the future? Do I consider texting him in a few months to check in? I guess what I’m asking is how do I accept a loss that’s so out of my control, and how do I grieve a relationship that still had so much life to live? I’m probably asking for an answer to an impossible question that time will reveal, but man, am I over being told “time heals.”
— Broken Up
Dear Broken Up,
It’s weird — not necessarily bad but just weird — to read about a breakup that seems so rationally arrived at and mutually decided. The only problem is that something about the breakup doesn’t feel real or final. You say the only reason for it is his impending move, but the circumstances precipitating that move — his job situation, your own hard time — have led both of you to feel “something isn’t working.” Yet you also feel deep down that the only reason you’re deciding to split is that he’s moving away. It’s hard to get clarity on the situation and definitely impossible to grieve for something that isn’t over yet.
Do you want to be broken up with him? From your letter, it sounds like the answer is “no.” You know you won’t be able to visit him often, but you still want to be in touch. I feel like in a real breakup you’d want to rip the Band-Aid off so you can both start living in the present rather than clinging to the past. But my sense is you feel some deep ambivalence about the situation, in part because it is unfair that so many of the obstacles to your being together are external.
One factor I don’t think you can afford to ignore is that, in the end, he’s making the choice to leave. He craves the stability of his family and maybe feels his job prospects will be better in Vegas. You recently lost your job too, so you’re primed to empathize with him. But your losses haven’t made you want to leave your city, at least not “for the foreseeable future.” Again, he has decided to go, and you’re deciding to stay. Even though neither choice really feels fully autonomous, at the end of the day, he has to own his decision and you have to accept that, by choosing Vegas, he has made it very difficult for you to continue a relationship with him. He’s the one who essentially chose to end things between you, and if you wanted to make the breakup stick, you’d have to decide to keep focusing on that.
Way over on the other hand: Have you considered what it would be like to move down there with him? Do you love him, and does he love you? Do you see a long-term future for this relationship if you lived in the same city — marriage if you’re into that, kids if you want them? I may have watched too many Nora Ephron movies, but part of me thinks if you’re passionately in love with this guy, there’s a version of reality where you could relocate too. Maybe tentatively, rationally, temporarily at first — sublet your place, keep toeholds in the job market. Since you also just lost your job, it could be an exciting fresh start! That is, if you want to prioritize this relationship over everything else in your life, which is, okay, a crazy thing to do. Though if you’re young and unencumbered, it’s okay to do crazy things sometimes! Also, love is important and rare.
But there’s something about the tone of your letter — mostly the focus on the slog you’ve both been through and how hard the relationship has already been to maintain — that makes me think an ending in which you rush onto his plane to Vegas at the last minute to declare your love isn’t in the cards. If that turns out to be the case, then the hard work you need to do is all about acceptance. Accepting what’s happening and living in the difficult moment you’re in right now, rather than imagining various futures, is what will actually get you through this challenging time. In this exact moment, the only way to keep from driving yourself crazy is just to keep putting one foot in front of the other, day to day, and try to get comfortable living in the ambivalence life has forced upon you.
Have a question for Emily? Email askemily@nymag.com (and read our submission terms here).
