A 35-year-old manager at a FAANG company says a return-to-office mandate and the appeal of his company's name have made it hard to find a partner.
Getty Images; Alyssa Powell/BI
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with a 35-year-old manager at a FAANG company in Silicon Valley. The source's name and employment history are known to Business Insider but are not named to protect their privacy. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I work at a FAANG tech company and have been an employee and manager at three other Big Tech firms over the last 10 years. Working in Big Tech has taken a major toll on my dating and personal life.
When I first started in the industry, I was focused on work and wasn't looking for a romantic relationship. Now that I'm more interested in dating, I'm finding it very difficult.
I was working for a company known at the time for work-life balance. It was a different time — no recession, no hiring freeze, no layoffs — and I was younger, so I wasn't as interested in climbing the corporate ladder.
I spent my time outside work in theater groups, writing, acting, and making short films. I met a woman in one of these creative spaces with whom I started a two-to-three-year situationship.
It ended when I decided to move for a better job, and she felt I didn't consult her. When I asked myself why I was stuck in the same company, salary range, and location while people with me at university were in a much better place from a career standpoint, the answer was that I'd been prioritizing her when I felt I shouldn't.
In my next job, I couldn't date much because I was overworked. We had meetings in different time zones, so my mornings and nights were very busy. I'd get some time off in the afternoons, but it's hard to date at that time.
I was using dating apps, which I like to some extent because they expose you to people you otherwise wouldn't meet. They also allow you to see a different perspective of the same person. A girl projecting herself to be a certain way in real life or a friend circle can be different on an app.
In addition to apps, I meet women at conferences, through custom matching services, and through family or friend introductions.
I worked at that company for just over a year before joining my current company.
When the managers who hired me left and new managers took over, my work and personal life were affected. Like most of the biggest tech firms, there was a strict return-to-office mandate.
Returning to the office meant my dating life was suddenly limited to one geographical area, and my previous dating plans went kaput. I'd been traveling and working remotely sometimes from different locations, even on the East Coast.
Dating in New York is much different than dating on the West Coast. I don't prefer one place over another, but I feel New York has more variety of people. I've had an equal number of matches here on the West Coast, but they're all of the same personality type.
I've had to stop chatting with some people I wanted to date just because I know they won't fit in my geographical area restriction.
I was dating a woman who lived in Boston for a while, but I couldn't visit her often after I had to return to the office. We tried a long-distance relationship, but that wasn't sustainable.
Eventually, the spark and chemistry died — when you aren't with each other daily, you start drifting. We also had arguments and differences of opinion, which led to a reduction of sexual or romantic tension.
She knew the relationship would end even though I said it could work out. With layoffs looming, I didn't have the luxury of choosing her over my career, which was a big deal for her.
I get much more attention now than before I had my Big Tech job and lived in Silicon Valley, and I can tell it's because I work for a FAANG company. It feels like most girls in the Bay Area are sussing guys out based on their educational background, earning potential, and company brand name.
It's fair that company status matters to some of them because they themselves are making that kind of money, but it's off-putting to me. Just like a girl wouldn't want someone to be with her just for her looks, a guy wouldn't want someone to be with him just because of his employment tag — at least I wouldn't.
One girl I was seeing was very impressed with where I work, and I had to explain to her that I could be fired any time and the guy who's at a random company today could be the CEO of Amazon in 10 to 20 years. My instincts told me I should've just shut up and enjoyed my status and what it brought me, but it didn't feel right. No wonder I'm single.
I haven't yet found a super supportive person who doesn't care about these things and just cares about what kind of human being I am. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places.
Finding another job wouldn't be easy right now. I've dealt with being on a performance improvement plan (PIP), which I just completed this spring. I'm still worried about being on shaky ground, particularly because I'm here on a visa, which spills over into my personal life.
For a new relationship to blossom, you need time for long calls and chats — and with work stress, I just haven't been able to do that. I also feel responsible for not leading someone on when I could move again or soon be unemployed.
If I were to go somewhere with lower pay but isn't a cutthroat culture, I could still be laid off due to cost cutting or other factors. Even though it hurts my personal life, I'm sticking to my job as long as possible.
But one day, I want to have kids — that's one of the top three reasons to get married, and it's just as important to me as financial stability and achievement.
Is your Big Tech job affecting your dating life? Email Lauryn Haas at lhaas@businessinsider.com
