THE WHITE HOUSE — During a brief press conference scheduled between 10:00 am and 4:00 pm for no specific reason whatsoever, President Joe Biden quietly admitted today that the Gaza pier announced with much fanfare in March, would — again — be disassembled and likely not replaced.
“God save the Queen, man, but we tried our best to alleviate the suffering of those Carthaginians there in the Plaza Strip,” said Biden. “But folks, here’s the deal. You’ve seen my national security decisions for the last four years and let’s be honest, how else did you think this was going turn out? Like there was a plan? Do I look like a guy with a plan? No, seriously, Jill, do I have a plan? And were we talking Infrastructure Week or about those feisty Abyssinians again? Right, the pier. Pier 1, folks, you literally gotta check out their unbeatable selection of furniture at wallet-friendly prices. Tell ‘em Joe sent you!”
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin took over the microphone briefly as President Biden checked all his pockets for his wallet.
“I believe what the president was trying to express was that you need to look at the Gaza operation in the context of our broader foreign policy,” stated Austin. “And that policy was set by a guy who wanted to cut Iraq up into three pieces because he really likes triangle-shaped sandwiches. So, you know, that’s the baseline and the rest of us are just here to help Jill — I mean, Joe — make that policy as workable as possible in a world filled with obstacles like reality, the laws of physics, and such.”
Austin noted that some of the administration’s previous overseas foibles were the result of simple miscommunication.
“In the military we like to say that ‘words mean things’ and that’s absolutely true. In fact, with President Biden, I’ve found that the same word can mean many different things depending on the time of day, whether he and Jill did their Hot for Teacher role-play the night before, stuff like that. So when he said ‘fly the Afghans out of the country,’ I assumed he meant inside our airplanes. But it only took two or three little whoopsies before I realized we weren’t on the same page, and all my fragos after that rectified the problem.”
“Found my wallet, folks, Hunter had it the whole time!” Biden announced as he retook the microphone. “He said I’d loaned it to him so he could go to the old mom-and-pop shop back in Scranton for a case of Australian reds and some Columbian whites. Anyway, as my man Floyd here said, we ran the Gaza pier mission with the same level of deliberation and forethought that I applied to Afghanistan — what a crazy idea, naming a country after rugs, but God bless ‘em — and literally no American military operation has gone better in history, not one! Heck, even though the pier was only actually attached to land thirty-three percent of the time, we delivered gajillions of tons of supplies. How much was it again, Floyd? Right, three grains of rice. Three, folks! That’s almost one for every two American hostages Hamas still holds. And we did it all without a single service member getting so much as a scratch, just like in Rug Land.”
Following Biden’s remarks, First Lady Jill Biden told reporters that the president would not be taking any questions since it was 4:01 pm and that meant it was executive nap time.
“Hey, nothing important ever happens after 4, right? But I’ll be happy to talk with you all after I tuck the big guy in. I’ve got another Vogue photo shoot scheduled where I’ll be wearing one of our new fundraising gifts, the Abbey Gatewatch, and modeling the latest Ralph Lauren fall wear from the Edith Wilson collection. At $10,000 it’s a steal for bargain-hunting Americans. The article will also have excerpts from Joe’s forthcoming autobiography which I transcribed by interpreting his eyelid blinks, called Who Cares That Democracy Died Because I Gave It My All And Tried To Do A Really Good Job. Can’t wait to tell you all about it!”
Kay Too Ess Ohhhhh finds your excuses vague and unconvincing.
