"For Love & Money" answers your relationship and money questions. This week, a reader wonders if they have to break up with someone who won't get married.
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Dear For Love & Money,
My boyfriend of nine years says he doesn't believe in marriage because his parents had an ugly divorce. I knew this early on because he warned me that he would never get married, and I guess I thought I could live with it, and maybe some small part of me hoped I could get him to change his mind.
But now we're nearly a decade in, talking about having kids, and I realize that getting married is a dealbreaker for me.
There are obviously tax advantages to getting married and financial disadvantages to having kids with someone who isn't your spouse.
My friends all say my only options are to accept his decision or to break up with him and find someone else. They're probably right, but I'm hoping there's a third way. Any ideas?
Sincerely,
Flip flopper
Dear Flip flopper,
If we're being literal, your friends are right. You only have two choices: stay or leave. That said, there are assurances, questions, and compromises that can make these options less brutal than either a sweeping acceptance of your boyfriend's wishes or dumping him.
However, before we dive into what some of those options look like, you must begin by honestly charting your path from being "maybe" OK with never getting married to where you are now, recognizing this may be a dealbreaker. Self-awareness is essential to making big decisions you won't regret later. The important thing is not to judge yourself in this process.
When it comes to high-stakes choices like getting married, starting a family, changing your mind, or hoping your boyfriend would change his mind, it's only fair to recognize the social pressure just to be cool. We all feel this pressure, and when we do, it's easy to pretend even to ourselves that we feel the way we think others expect us to feel rather than honoring our actual desires.
My therapist calls this behavior "misalignment." The goal is to make sure who you are on the inside is aligned with how you represent yourself on the outside. Sometimes, this means getting real with ourselves and other people about the parts of us that feel a bit embarrassing. For instance, admitting we desire old-fashioned, traditional ideals like marriage, even when the concept grows more passé each year. Or, admitting even less flattering truths, like formerly believing we could change the mind of a man who was always abundantly clear about his plans.
Speaking of your boyfriend, as painful as it may be to admit you want different things, you have to respect his alignment. He demonstrated unwavering loyalty to his most authentic self, and your best bet is to follow his example.
This may sound like I'm suggesting that you two break up. After all, if your authentic self wants to get married and his authentic self doesn't, what other options do you have? But loyalty to self doesn't mean you must be self-serving and inflexible. Instead, you can use self-awareness as a starting point in your negotiations.
We all want lots of things to varying degrees, and determining what to compromise and what to keep becomes a matter of priorities. You may find that you and your boyfriend share the highest priority: each other. If this is the case, finding a compromise that will address your financial concerns as well as your boyfriend's emotional considerations is more than doable.
As you negotiate this compromise, remember that neither of you is wrong for wanting different things. This is not a fight with a win/lose outcome but a collaboration that will leave both of you feeling like winners.
Honesty must be the framework of this conversation. Tell your boyfriend why marriage is important to you. You've likely pointed out the financial incentives to marriage, but this time, be sure to explain the peace of mind those financial incentives will give you and why you feel you need it. In turn, encourage him to articulate his feelings about marriage and why.
Once you've both laid this foundation of honest vulnerability, you can build your compromise. For instance, if you're worried about having kids with him only to end up as a single parent should he leave you, you could ask your boyfriend for a financial commitment upfront to ease the insecurity of a no-legal-strings-attached relationship status. Perhaps he could set up a trust in your name where he compensates you for the years you are entrusting with him.
Or, if his marriage issues come down to the ugly details of his parents' divorce, perhaps he will feel more comfortable marrying you with a prenuptial agreement in place that legally protects him from the aspects of a potential divorce that worry him the most.
Another compromise might be for you to set up your finances in a way that benefits one another, even without a marriage certificate. You can name one another as beneficiaries on your life insurance. Or, depending on your state and how long you've lived together, you could look into filing your taxes jointly as a common-law couple. If you are planning on making any big purchases in the immediate future, such as a vehicle or a house, get both of your names on the title to ensure your financial interests are protected in the event of a breakup.
As you can see, there are plenty of options, but they all require honesty and flexibility. Trust one another with these vulnerabilities, and several "third ways" will reveal themselves.
Before I close my advice, as a wife of 14 years and a baby mama of 13, I feel obliged to raise one more point. Both of you need to ask yourself why sharing children seems like less of a commitment to you than marriage. The reality of marriage is that it's as permanent as Sharpie on a whiteboard — finding rubbing alcohol may be a hassle, but it will wipe right off once you do. Sharing a child, however, is as permanent as a whole human life. Thus, it should only happen if you're 100% sure this is something you will do well together, come what may, forever. Because ultimately, that's what it's going to take.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
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