My wife and I are in a poly vee marriage. Ethical nonmonogamy works for us, and we have rules for our relationship.
Photo credit: AH Pham Photography
We met on a dating app in 2011. Our first date involved piling into my station wagon that had a Phillies magnet covering the broken gas port cover. We had a lovely and intimate sushi date where we chatted and laughed over some nigiri. From then on, our love grew.
My future wife was finishing up her undergraduate degree. I would drive to campus and hang out between classes, often bringing pizza or Dairy Queen for our chats.
That first summer, I became really sick and required surgery. We had only known each other for a few months, but she was there daily to change my gauze and take me to the doctor when my fever peaked. Her genuine care for me never wavered.
We have always supported each other unconditionally. I fully backed her idea of going back to school for a professional degree. She supported me, too, in a long-distance relationship when I went back to Los Angeles to pursue a dream job and conquer a city that had bested me the first time. It was clear that the love between us could surmount any obstacles that life would place in our paths.
I proposed on June 22, 2018. The initial plan was to have this wonderful event in the fall of 2020, but a pandemic threw a massive wrench. We married legally in November 2020 via a video chat with the courthouse and held a public wedding at a local art museum in September 2022.
A poly vee-structured relationship involves multiple partners and is shaped like the letter "V." The pivot point represents a person in the relationship seeing two or more partners who aren't romantically or sexually involved with each other. Those partners are known as "metamours" and may or may not know each other.
We decided this was the best fit for us because we have very different levels of sexual needs. Her drive is not as high as mine, and, despite her being my dream woman, I needed more.
Like all serious discussions in our relationship, we approached it with transparency. I vocalized my needs, and she vocalized hers. This is not a marriage failure or a sign that we are incompatible. This is a forever partnership with the flexibility to address everyone's needs.
We decided that a poly vee would be the best fit for our relationship and we took steps to establish baselines of expectations.
The first step in any ethically non-monogamous relationship is to establish ground rules.
Though we're in a poly vee relationship, my wife chooses not to pursue other partners. She has the freedom to do so, but has not found the need to look elsewhere. If we met someone we were both attracted to, we would be open to a "unicorn" situation as well, where we brought in a third partner for both of us at the same time.
On my end, I am allowed to freely date and pursue sexual and romantic relationships externally. I use dating apps, and the first line of every dating profile is, "I am married and ethically non-monogamous (poly vee)."
My external partners have the freedom to check in with her to make sure everything is above board, and I'm not just cheating and calling it polyamory.
One of the rules we have is that I cannot have any partners in our shared bedroom or bed, as that is our sacred space.
Hierarchically, my wife will always have top billing. We live together. She is the love of my life. If she has a need to veto a situation, she has the right to if she feels it is damaging our relationship. She has never exercised that right, but the "abort" button remains.
Consent-wise, I do not divulge the identity of my external partners for their sake unless they want me to. I tell my wife when I'm going out and where I'm going for safety. I only bring people to our home when she is not there, and we schedule accordingly.
Obviously, safe sex is always practiced with all partners, and I am regularly tested when I do my normal blood work.
We are people who love to love. The deep emotional connections and ability to meet, learn about, and experience different types of people in my life is a gift. Just like traveling or trying new foods, it's all a learning experience.
We are both autonomous people. She is the first woman I've been with who I never had to ask for permission to hang out with my friends, and she doesn't need to ask, either. We have our own identities and private spaces. This allows us to connect incredibly well because we're fully formed people who aren't codependent.
We're both not religiously bound, and we don't have children, so in our eyes, there is only one life to live. Nothing should stand in the way of either of our happiness, and the support and trust that go along with an arrangement like this makes our bond even stronger.
