9:00 PM: Moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash explain that this debate will happen in a studio without a live audience as the only people even slightly interested in attending were individuals who fell into a coma just before 2016 and have only recently woken up, and even those three people were more interested in visiting the Cincinnati Zoo to see Harambe than hearing what either the former reality-television host or current president have to say.
9:02 PM: Tapper starts with a question on the economy, asking Biden what he plans to do to combat rising food and home prices. Biden’s gaze unfocuses as if he’s trying to see a sailboat in a Magic Eye poster. He replies hoarsely, “You have to look at what Trump left me. He was saying to inject bleach into your arms, and we have to put things back together.” Biden brings a handkerchief to his mouth and coughs in a way that film critics would deem “foreboding.”
9:05 PM: Tapper turns the question of the economy to Trump, who glares like a villain who has just been informed about the presence of a “Batman.” “We had the greatest economy in the history of the country,” Trump says. “We’ve never done so well. Other countries came up to me, and they said, ‘Sir, sir, how are you economying so great?’ because they all want to be my economy, and it’s a very big economy, you know.’” Tapper begins his next question, but Trump interrupts to say he wasn’t done talking about how everyone’s jealous of his economy. Tapper tells him that he’s asking a follow-up question, and he’ll get another eighty seconds to do whatever he wants with it, like shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose any unchallenged, fawning media coverage. Trump nods.
9:14 PM: Bash asks Trump about his thoughts on the Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade. “Everyone wanted this,” Trump says, “Every single person. I talked to a Democrat who said, ‘Please, sir, please, you have to send abortion to the states so that we can murder my toddler in Ohio,’ and I said I think that’s a little, I mean, even I think that Ohio is bad, but if that’s what they want, then I said if everyone wants it, not a single person doesn’t. But also the Democrats kill babies after birth, they do it all the time. Have you ever killed a baby? It’s a rush. I mean, you have to follow your heart, and it’s a bit much for me, but also, you have to admit the feeling of strangling a baby is very powerful. Of course, you have to be a monster to do it, but that’s what Democrats are.” Bash replies, “Thank you.”
9:18 PM: Bash turns to Biden and says that seven states have no restrictions on abortion, and then asks if he has ever murdered an infant. Biden’s skull sputters, “That’s a lie!” before coughing several more times.
9:21 PM: A studio assistant presses play on the prerecorded AI-generated Jake Tapper, which instructs the candidates to say something about immigration. “Immigrants will kill you,” Trump says. “They are hiding in your fridge and eating up all your cream cheese, and they’ll murder you when you sleep, which is fully legal in Democrat states.” Biden responds, “Now, look here, they’re,” and then freezes for a minute before continuing. “The immigrants are migrating and that’s… not… now… it’s….” Trump interrupts, “I really don’t know what he said at the end of that sentence, and I don’t think he knows either,” before explaining that sometimes immigrants dress up like palm trees to inch closer to you when your back is turned. The camera operator is heard whispering, “Siri, what is the quickest way to burn an entire building to the ground?”
9:51 PM: Moving to foreign policy, Bash asks Biden his thoughts on Israel. Seemingly regaining his voice, Biden answers, “Thank you for having me here. I’m looking forward to a good discussion tonight. When do we start?”
10:00 PM: Bash asks Trump what he would do to combat climate change. Trump’s eyes find a previously undiscovered level of beadiness. “Have I mentioned how much the police love me?” he says. “Also, I know a Black guy. All the police kiss my feet, and they’re quite dirty but they do it, they suck my toes. It’s a sign of respect, so I let them.” Bash, momentarily forgetting her place as a mere conservative amplification system, asks again, “But what about the climate?” Trump responds, “I have the best environment numbers, my environment guys actually told me that just before I walked on, they were crunching the environment numbers and I won. I beat the environment, and that’s not something that happens much.” Biden turns to the nonexistent audience, “I don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.”
10:20 PM: Bash asks Biden about concerns over his age. “Most of my career, I’ve been the youngest,” he says, “and this guy is three years younger than me.” Trump pulls out a certificate that reads, DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN EXAMINED BY ME, A REAL DOCTOR, AND HE IS SUPER STRONG AND NOT STUPID. There are three gold stars and two pink heart stickers on the edges of the document, and it is signed by “Real Doctor, M.D.” Trump adds, “I beat Roger Federer in a game of tennis last week. In space. Beautiful up there. I also won the Masters. Biden always chokes on the back nine.” Biden, visibly angry, exclaims, “Malarkey! I eagled at St. Andrews, and you know it!” Trump scoffs, “I’ve seen your swing.” Biden raises his walker in the air and shakes it at Trump, “You stinking kids—get out of my yard!” Bash looks directly at the camera and says, “Dear god, make it all stop.” Trump mimics slicing a shot into Biden’s head, Biden ducks.
BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPTS THE DEBATE: The Supreme Court has just decided on a case they made up in their own heads. The majority 6-3 ruling limits the power of this or any future president, as the Court’s originalist reading of James Madison’s fever dream changes the branches of the government from judicial, executive, and legislative to judicial, billionaire, and ghost of Antonin Scalia. The decision received a strong rebuke from Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who, in a dissent joined by her liberal colleagues, wrote, “Honestly, fuck this whole thing.”
