“Because I say so!” How many of us have found ourselves uttering these words to our kids in moments of frustration after being asked repeatedly the same thing over and over again? If you’ve been there, you know what I mean — and you’ve probably also realized you lost your cool.
Parenting is filled with moments of joy but also packed with challenges that can push even the most patient among us to the brink. If you’ve ever lost your temper with your kids, raised your voice, or acted in a way that left you feeling guilty, please know you’re not alone.
First, let’s understand why these moments happen. Parenting is a full-time, high-stakes job without time off or sick days. We’re juggling multiple roles and responsibilities, and sometimes, our emotional bandwidth runs thin. When that happens, we might snap: raise our voices, say something harsh, or act out of frustration. It’s human, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.
And as we know, cooling down is not that easy, especially if you don’t have the time to take a break to reflect on the true cause of your irritation. For example, are you tired, charged, or overworked? Have you been taking time for yourself lately? Are you eating and sleeping well? We love our kids dearly, and we are strong individuals, but we are not made of stone, and their actions can feel even more infuriating when we neglect our own needs.
Here are some ideas for how to navigate the aftermath of those heated moments and turn them into opportunities for growth and connection:
Find Your Calm: As soon as your temper rises, try to step away for a moment. Engage in a quick activity that calms you, whether it’s a few minutes of deep breathing, a short walk, or simply stepping outside for fresh air. This helps lower your stress hormones and allows you to collect your thoughts.
Practice Self-Awareness: Be honest with yourself and reflect on what triggered your reaction in the first place. Understanding your triggers helps you manage them better in the future.
Now that you’ve cooled down, it’s time to talk to your child. The key here is honesty and timing.
Choose the Right Moment: Don’t rush the apology. Wait until both you and your child are calm. This ensures that the conversation is constructive.
Be Sincere: A genuine apology is crucial. Sit down with your child and make eye contact. Use words they understand, and be clear about what you’re sorry for. Briefly explain why you snapped without making excuses. For instance, “I was really tired and stressed, but that’s no excuse for yelling. I’m sorry.”
Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your child express their feelings during the argument. This helps them feel heard and validates their emotions.
Show It, Not Just Say It: Reassure your child that you love them and that everyone makes mistakes. Give them a hug or comfort them to reinforce your words.
Sometimes, the best way to prevent future blow-ups is by turning challenging moments into teachable ones. We all feel overwhelmed at times, and explaining that everyone has certain things that make them feel upset or stressed can be very powerful for your kid.
Believe it or not, your child can play a crucial role in helping you manage your triggers. Although it is NOT (please note the capital letters here!) your kids’ responsibility to help you regulate your emotions, they can learn to respect your boundaries. Explaining to your child what specific actions or behaviors trigger your frustration can create a more understanding and cooperative family dynamic.
You can also ask for your child’s help in avoiding these triggers. Frame it as a team effort: “We can work together to ensure we both feel happy and calm. If I notice you are getting frustrated, I’ll remind you that I am here for you. If you notice the same in me, maybe you can remind me to take a deep breath.”
But be mindful of sharing this information in a way that’s age-appropriate and easy for them to understand. For example, you might say, “When I’m really tired, and you keep asking the same question over and over, it makes me feel discouraged.”
This conversation is also a great opportunity to teach your child about empathy. Help them understand that just as they have things that upset them, you do too. Encourage them to think about their triggers and how they would like others to respond when they are upset.
When your child tries to avoid triggering behaviors, acknowledge and praise them. Positive reinforcement goes a long way and will encourage them to continue being mindful and cooperative.
By involving your child in managing triggers, you’re modeling healthy ways to deal with emotions and stress. They learn valuable lessons about communication, empathy, and self-regulation that they can carry into their own lives. This collaborative approach fosters a sense of teamwork, helps in managing emotions, and strengthens your relationship with your child. They feel valued and respected, knowing that their actions can contribute positively to the family as a whole.
Remember, each time you apologize and repair a relationship with your child, you teach them valuable lessons about forgiveness, empathy, and emotional resilience. Mistakes are part of being human, and showing your child how to handle them gracefully is one of the best gifts you can give them. So, the next time you lose your cool, don’t stress — it’s not the end of the world. It’s a chance to show humility, growth, and unconditional love. You’ve got this, and it makes all the difference!
Welcome to Family Reset, a monthly column and must-go destination for all parents seeking guidance (and grasping for some sanity) in the wild adventure of raising children. Behind this compelling and candid read is New York psychotherapist, writer, editor, and “mommyyy” Zuania Capó, (or just call her Z), a compassionate, multicultural, and integrative therapist passionate about supporting families to thrive and connect. Armed with a touch of wisdom, insightful tips, a witty spirit, tons of honesty, and a sprinkle of humor, she is here to help you navigate the complexities of parenthood while prioritizing your well-being.
Family Reset is not just a source of advice; it’s a vibrant community where parents can find inspiration, share their stories, and realize they are not alone in the exhilarating roller coaster ride of parenting. Have questions? Want answers? Get ready to hit that reset button and connect with Z at zcmentalhealth@zuaniacapo.com.
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