Romance, table for two!
This article was originally published on June 30, 2023. We’re taking it out of the freezer ahead of The Bear’s third season on Hulu.
Some ships help popular culture stay afloat—The Office’s Jim and Pam, Schitt’s Creek’s David and Patrick, Bridgerton’s Anthony and Kate — and others go down faster than a billionaire’s yacht being attacked by orcas. (Looking at you, Alexis and Ted from Schitt’s Creek!) Luckily, like a restaurant with a menu that’s sure to please all, The Bear has both!
There are key components to any great ship, and none of them are plausibility, the ease of an outsider seeing a fleeting moment and thinking, Oh, that makes sense. A great ship is hard-won, it’s fought for, it’s perpetuated by a series of instances where if the couple took literally five seconds to say what was on their minds, they could realize how the other truly feels and get to smoochin’! Building a great ship is like making the perfect mille-feuille: Take things too quickly and get the ship hot and heavy before it’s meant to be, you’ll end up with something half-baked. Take too long (we do NOT need eight seasons of “will they, won’t they”) and guess what: It’s burnt. To borrow lyrics from three-time Tony Award–nominated singer/composer/actress Sara Bareilles’s Broadway play Waitress, you need just the right amounts of “sugar, butter, flour,” and some of The Bear’s ships are missing a few ingredients! Good thing you have me to rank them, using Mikey’s (RIP) patented Let It Rip Scale.
Marcus & Syd
Have you ever had a Krispy Kreme? Was it krispy? No, right? Exactly. This ship makes as much sense as that. Don’t get me wrong, Marcus is an amazing chef and I would devour Sydney’s doughnut (not a euphemism), or whatever it’s called once they finish workshopping the name, but as a viewer using a pince-nez as a critical lens, let’s just say Sydney’s dough isn’t rising for Marcus. His very awkward (and also very sad) attempt at asking her out fell flat quicker than a pound cake removed from the oven too soon. And his outburst when he thought she was mad at him didn’t make it any better. Just because they’re two chocolate pastries doesn’t mean they belong in the same box! ½ a Rip
Carmy & Claire
This ship is not fine dining. It is the Olive Garden of relationships. The one you go to when there’s no other choice so you settle on it, because why not? You’re hungry, and it’s there. Claire is a very nice girl with a great job who just wants to love Carmy for who he is. But that’s not what Carmy needs. Carmy needs to be pushed. Claire is safe. Claire is nostalgia, and the thing about nostalgia is that people are always changing and growing, no matter how much they stay the same.
It’s like when you’re a kid, going to your favorite hometown fast-food restaurant all the time, then you grow up, go to college, live your life, and try new things. You try tofu! You hate it, but you tried it! And one weekend over Christmas, you grab your cousins and say, “Let’s all go back to that restaurant we went to as kids!” But when you get there, it’s different. The burgers are dry and messy. The fries are undercooked. It’s not the same as it was when you were a kid, but actually — the restaurant is the same, it’s you and your tastes that have changed. (This does not apply to Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supremes. Those will always be fire.) Besides, Carmy’s relationship with Claire was ruining the restaurant before it even opened! His trying to divide attention between Claire and Syd was destined to have the same result as neglecting a rich béchamel: It’s gonna split. 2 out of 5 Rips
Richie & Garrett & Jess
This is a ship I’m pleased to see on the menu. Yes, I made this menu myself, but that’s not the point. The point is, Richie came into Chef Terry’s restaurant a sad, broken man wearing a Berf shirt, and in that short week of becoming part of a thruple who changed his view of the world, he walked through the valley of shining forks and found himself. My grandmother used to say when you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, you do well, and ladies and gentlemen, Richie is doing it, and doing it, and doing it well! Somewhere around 2007, Dan Savage coined the “campsite rule,” meaning when entering a new relationship, the person with more power must leave the other person the same or better off than they found them; in “Forks,” Garrett, Jess, and Richie are at that campsite, building a fire, and making s’mores. Obviously, Richie is the marshmallow. 4 ½ of 5 Rips
Marcus & Chef Luca
Speaking of the “campsite rule,” Marcus is discovering that the world is his oyster, or østers, as the Danes call them. But Will Poulter’s Luca isn’t even Danish! He’s English! No language barrier here, just two bachelors in a strange place, alone together! Chef Luca tells Marcus about how he came to be at this Copenhagen pastry palace, the mentor who taught him all he knows, the chef (Carmy) who bested him and how he “never left his side.” This ship has all the perfect ingredients: a great backstory (butter), overcoming adversity (sugar), and the student becoming the teacher (flour). The scene where they’re arranging the dessert and Luca tells Marcus, “Don’t be afraid to just stick it in”? Sir! This is a family restaurant. 5 of 5 Rips
Syd & Carmy
As The Bear’s creators tell it, Sydney and Carmen are co-workers; they are platonic pals who prep, nothing more. You’d think there’s no need to talk to HR, but this ship analysis is coming from a more trusted source — me — and any viewer with eyes can see this one is a feast! The ingredients are all there (mise en place, as us chefs call it). Every squabble they have is reminiscent of a lover’s quarrel; they are an old married couple who need to get their groove back. Their secret ASL sign, taking a closed fist and rubbing their chests, is the thing that BAM, kicks it up a notch, because you know what else is in their chests? Their hearts. Exactly. During Carmy’s panic attack, images of Syd are what calms him? Them fixing the wobbly table together to give it stability? Him giving her that Thom Browne chef’s jacket? It may as well have been his varsity jacket! I mean, let’s talk about it!
But there’s still something missing. Actually, there’s too much of something: salt (Claire). It’s not passing the taste test. I need them to get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, and realize where they went wrong. Carmy can think about what he’s done while he’s locked in the freezer. This ship is ready to be plated. 1,000,000 Rips
