The first presidential debate of the 2024 general election is on Thursday. It starts at 9 p.m. E.T. which, fun fact, is only 2 p.m. in the fiery pits of hell!
It will run for 90 minutes but will feel like six hours and be moderated by CNN’s Jake Tapper and Dana Bash, but that is only because Satan himself had another engagement (he’s busy giving unasked-for parenting advice on Twitter: “I would never let MY CHILD watch BLUEY because SCREEN TIME will exacerbate his ALLERGY TO SYNTHETIC FIBERS.”)
The debate will air on CNN, the streaming platform MAX, and also probably on-loop in various interrogation rooms across the country as torture. I had thought we outlawed presidential debate rematches in the Geneva Convention, but apparently I did not read the fine print.
