DEAR MISS MANNERS: At my husband’s 20-year reunion, I wrote “Sam’s wife” on my name tag.
I knew that only three people there knew me, and that no one else would likely remember my name the following week — they’d all refer to me as “Sam’s wife.” So I went with that.
It was fun. Most people reacted well, and some even laughed and said, “You’re right, we might not have remembered your name!”
The funny thing was that several times, I was scolded and told that I should “have my own identity” and so on.
GENTLE READER: It is only funny if you think it’s amusing to be treated condescendingly.
Miss Manners might have been tempted to say, “Well, I would have put my own name, but I’ve been married so long that I don’t remember what it is.” And then excused herself before the lecture about “being a person in your own right.”
What might be amusing is to know if Sam would get the same reaction if he identified himself at your reunion as “Samantha’s husband.” Miss Manners’ guess is that this would be considered charming loyalty from a supportive spouse — whom nobody would doubt is also a person in his own right.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a physician, and I value my relationships with my patients. I am honored that they trust me to care for them.
Over the last several years, however, I have been repeatedly asked a question by my patients that I find intrusive and rude. I am at a loss for how to shut down the line of inquiry while maintaining a professional and caring relationship.
I am asked, in both direct and indirect ways, whether I am pregnant. For instance, “Ooh, is your waistline expanding?” (with a conspiratorial wink and a finger pointed at my less-than-flat belly). Or just outright, “Are you pregnant?”
It’s been especially rough to hear lately, as I have been undergoing fertility treatments for several years (unsuccessfully), and do not want to discuss this. I sometimes have to fight back tears when they ask.
I have tried responses such as “Oh, I don’t talk about that kind of thing at work,” which does not deter them. I have also tried denying it, sometimes to the disbelief of my patients, who argue with me about my status.
More than a little exasperated, I have been tempted to say things such as “Are you calling me fat?” or “I am shocked you would ask such a rude question” — neither of which I feel are appropriate in this situation, and may damage our physician-patient relationship.
What is something I could say that would shut down the line of questioning (without answering the question), yet not be rude or cause irreparable harm?
GENTLE READER: Said pleasantly (Miss Manners suggests a half-smile): “I was under the impression that I am here to examine you, not for you to examine me. Now, about those headaches you have been having …”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
