It takes a certain je ne sais quoi — some mixture of inflated ego, shamelessness and perhaps more than a touch of dementia of your own — to use one’s 78th birthday to mock a rival for being 81 years old. First, you have to believe that you aren’t really aging yourself (a circumstance that would put you in rare company, indeed). Second, you must be certain your own mental faculties are in superb shape (when the evidence is overwhelming against that thesis). And finally, you just have to be, to put it bluntly, a pretty bitter old fellow. Enter Donald John Trump who last Friday celebrated his 78th in West Palm Beach by blasting President Joe Biden as too frail for a second term with a call for him to take an “aptitude test.”
Now, I have nothing against standardized aptitude tests. Personally, I can think of quite a few individuals in government posts who ought to demonstrate they have the ability to, for example, not secretly take millions of dollars worth of luxury vacations from a major GOP donor while serving on the nation’s highest court (Justice Clarence Thomas, please remember to pay for your own No. 2 pencil prior to the quiz). U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is more than deserving of a sanity test to, at minimum, demonstrate she’s not hearing voices that the rest of us can’t quite discern. And U.S. Sen. Bob Menendez merits some form of gold bar test wherein he has to prove that he’s capable of refusing a payoff whenever one is offered — especially if the New Jersey Democrat somehow avoids a guilty verdict in his ongoing bribery trial.
But hearing a late-stage septuagenarian knock an early-stage octogenarian is the kind of “Are you listening to yourself?” personal attack you expect to encounter in a nursing home hallway, not a presidential campaign. What set this off? A bad batch of tapioca pudding? By the way, I believe I’m entitled to make such ageist observations because I’m on the verge of Medicare eligibility. These are my people. Or at least I recognize they will be my people in the not-so-distant future. I’ve lately been cleaning out closets, tossing 30-year-old receipts, magazines, expired food and generally downsizing. Oh, and on the topic, let me give a few words of advice to fellow boomers: Make trips to the dump in the early morning and drop-offs to Goodwill on Sundays, not Saturdays. You will so thank me later.
Where was I? Oh, right, I’m writing a column. In most Asian cultures like Japan, China, Korea and Vietnam, the elders are revered. In the United States, the peak years for respect are generally whatever age Taylor Swift currently inhabits, which I’m informed is 34 years old. This is probably because she was born in 1989. I suspect Biden and Trump still wear ties and pocket squares they bought in 1989, so there’s that connection. Personally, I cringe a bit when either gentleman tries to be hip. Better that they can both claim they still have their original hips. Biden may walk with a bit of a stiff gait and sometimes show balance problems, but Trump can’t accurately recall what happened in the last election or on Jan. 6, 2021. Plus his major ambition for a second term appears to be getting revenge on Americans who don’t bow to him. Better that Gramps gets around a little slow than slowly getting around to a dictatorship as my kids always say.
Historically, most U.S. presidents have been in their 50s when they are inaugurated. It looks like the next one will be the oldest in history. It’s fair to give greater scrutiny to vice-presidential candidates this year given the greater possibility they may have to lead (as the average life expectancy of a U.S. male is slightly under 75, it’s fair to say both these guys are in overtime). Polls show a lot of Americans have an unfavorable opinion of Vice President Kamala Harris, but the list of candidates being touted by Trump doesn’t exactly inspire confidence either. Excited about North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum, a 67-year-old rich tech guy who bent the knee by calling Trump’s hush money trial election interference? Didn’t think so.
The challenge here is not that we have older folks running for president, it’s that we can’t recognize disordered thinking when we see it. Stuttering isn’t dementia. Someone who rambles isn’t necessarily cognitively impaired. No, the mental disorder I’d be more apt to find disqualifying is narcissism characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, attention-seeking, manipulation and lack of empathy. So which of the candidates appears to be suffering that ailment? Let’s wish him a belated happy birthday.
Peter Jensen is an editorial writer at The Baltimore Sun; he can be reached at pejensen@baltsun.com.
