My wife turns down my role play fantasies and does not want sex at all

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M desperate to role-play with my wife, but these days she won’t even consider having sex.

She and I are in our 40s. We’ve been married for ten years and had always had a great sex life, but about four years ago she stopped sleeping with me entirely.

If I even try to touch her sexually, she just pushes me away.

Now, I’m desperate to have sex and have started fantasising about different role-play scenarios.

I’d love to pretend that I am a fireman or a soldier rescuing her or that she is a nurse taking care of me.

I’ve made the suggestion several times, but she turns me down flat.

Around the time my wife lost interest in sex, she started therapy for a trauma she had experienced during her 20s.

She’s told me it’s unrelated to the issues she’s having around sex now, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s more than a coincidence.

I adore my wife, and I want to reignite our sex life, as I now feel like we’re friends rather than lovers. What can I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds as though your wife has had a difficult time, and dealing with this trauma could be affecting your sex life.

You haven’t stated what the trauma was, but if it’s related to sex then working this through is likely to affect the physical side of your relationship.

However, with the right help, you will be able to get closer again.

Patience is the key to accomplishing this.

Your wife needs to feel safe in any situation, and this will happen with time.

Role-play at the moment is likely to make her feel on edge, so I’d strongly recommend you pause the suggestion, until she is comfortable with some basic intimacy again.

Find time to sit down with her and explain that you want to express how much you love her by feeling close to her again.

Reassure her that you won’t pressure her into anything but that you think it would be good for you both to speak to a counsellor to help things get back on track.

My pack, How Sex Therapy Helps, will assist.