10 Self Care Things To Do Instead of Watching Today’s Mariners Game

Those nails aren’t going to manicure themselves

The Mariners lost today, 0-5. It sucked. The bright spot for you, reader, is you were likely busy at work, because this game started at the unholy hour of 9:35 AM PT. But this puts both of us in a bind: you want to know what happened, but like, not too much about what happened; and I have the grim duty of recounting this game to you in a way that makes both of us not want to run themselves repeatedly into the wall of a dilapidated arcade with the world’s saddest bumper car. When we despair, we listicle. Here are ten things you should do instead of re-watching today’s shutout loss to the Yankees, in case you were tempted:

1. Give yourself a little manicure

Nice, neatly trimmed nails are a calling-card that tells the rest of the world you have your stuff together even when it feels like things are falling apart. It doesn’t matter what your occupation is, what your gender is, or if you, like me, have been genetically cursed to grow only the smallest weakest half-moons on the candle stubs of your fingers. Get a good pair of clippers and a nice file and clip/file your nails evenly (bonus, this will stop them from snagging all straggledly-raggedly on everything). Use a pointed but not sharp object to dig any gunk out from under the nails, gently push your cuticles back with your opposite thumbnail, and apply some cuticle and hand cream, because your hands work hard and you should give them a little treat. Top it off with a little polish if you like. If you’re not sure how to go about an at-home manicure, pull up a YouTube video and watch that instead of the Mariners get no-hit by the Yankees for eight of nine innings, excepting one questionably-ruled J.P. Crawford single.

2. Go to a dog park

Did you know that you legally don’t have to have a dog to go watch dogs play at the dog park? You can just show up, unencumbered by poop bags, and watch a bunch of dogs run around like the big soft idiots they are and have the time of their lives, which is coincidentally, always happening Right This Exact Second. While you do this, reflect on the fact that the dogs are A) very happy and B) don’t know about the short porch at Yankee Stadium. Consider this connection.

3. Clean out that one junk drawer, you know the one

This one isn’t “fun” exactly but it will make you feel better when you’re done, and is an achievably small task that you can do it without getting hit over the head with the bowling ball of dread that accompanies most of these household spruce-up projects. While you’re in there, contemplate how even this selection of bits of string and houseless keys and rings that have lost their keychains has more utility than the Mariners’ at-bats today, of which 12 ended in strikeouts. Hold up a plastic twist-tie but definitely do not consider if any Mariners hitter would have had more success swinging that after a Luis Gil fastball.

4. Go be near some water

A study that was conducted by the University of Me says that people are happier when they’re by a body of water, and that happiness increases in proportion to the size/majesty of said body of water. “Luis Castillo was actually pretty solid today working without his best command against that tough Yankees lineup” I say as I hang my entire body like a windsock over the edge of the ferry attempting to make physical contact with Puget Sound.

5. Donate something

Fill a bag with things shelters actually want and drop it by, or order supplies to be delivered directly to the shelter. If you’re donating clothes, give quality, newer, in-season things places won’t have to store (no heavy sweaters in summer!) and can turn over to their clients quickly. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, but too often people confuse ‘donating’ with ‘please take this junk to the dumpster for me.’ Speaking of the old trash/treasure adage, the Mariners have made sort of a meal out of that in recent years, taking discarded relievers from other clubs and shining them up into something new. But the donation drop-off might be closed, as the bullpen struggled today, with only Eduard Bazardo working a clean inning. Brand-new acquisition Michael Baumann got thrown directly into the lion’s den, apparently without even getting his tour of the pitching lab because he could not seem to locate the strike zone within the Tri-state area.

6. Do a dumb little dance

Put on the dumbest funnest song you know (if you’re searching for a recommendation that might also break your brain linguistically I know just the bop) and dance around for three minutes of endorphins. Three minutes of endorphins is also exactly the amount this game offered, as the Mariners managed to get two on with two outs in both the eighth and the ninth innings, only to squander each opportunity. I’d rather at least have the calorie burn of dancing around in the kitchen.

7. Practice a skill

Actually, the one real Mariners highlight of this game occurred in the fifth inning. Luis Castillo was battling his command all day, throwing the ball hard but leaving too many pitches on the plate, which is never a great proposition facing this lineup in Yankee Stadium. He managed to skate through with just the dings of solo home runs to Stanton and Judge, because duh, but was in some hot water in the fifth, having walked Soto and Judge, because duh, and given up a single to Alex Verdugo that J.P. Crawford almost made an amazing play on to load the bases with just one out. Facing Stanton and Rizzo, Castillo struck them both out, getting Stanton to chase wildly after a 3-2 slider that was located in the Port Authority Bus Terminal and making short work of Rizzo, also getting him to expand the zone away. It was the one real fun moment of this game and a reminder that Luis Castillo will be just fine no matter what. You can practice your little guitar or Duolingo or whatever and try to log your 10,000 hours and still never come close to how good Luis Castillo is at pitching. Although don’t let that stop you, acquiring skills is great and gives you one more thing to barter with in the zombie apocalypse.

8. Give your computer/phone/etc. a good cleaning

Your grubby little fingers touch these items all day every day. Give them a spa day too. And not just the physical things—go through and wipe out old photos or files or whatever else is dragging them down. Hopefully the Mariners hitters will also do this after posting a few of the ugliest three-pitch strikeouts I’ve seen all season today. I’d post some screenshots but then I’d just have to clean off my devices again.

9. Smell something nice

The air is full of flowers; go smell them. If you can’t go outside, light a candle, spritz some perfume, fire up an essential oil diffuser, etc. But really, if you’re in the Northwest, you don’t need any of that—go smell some of our tree-infused glacial-crisp flower-scented Valhalla air. You know what the air smells like in NYC in summer? Like you’ve been stuffed into the bottom of a garbage sack full of diapers and fryer grease, tied up and left out in the sun for a week. They may have the rarefied air of their winning baseball club, but we have our actual rarefied air.

10. Unplug

A little digital detox is good for us all. And especially necessary, because the Mariners get no breaks: they go to Washington to face the Nationals this weekend, and come back to face a red-hot Astros team starting Monday.